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Review on..."The Nutcracker" ACT 1
Well, it IS around the holiday season and I was forced to see the Nutcracker, whih my sister was preforming in. Now we all know the classic story of the girl who falls in love with a handsome prince who happind to be the nucracker, but if yo actually watched the play insted of listening to the pretty music...you'll realize as i did...the preformance actually makes no sense. It begins on a city street, it's obviously christmas time as there are carolers and people distributing presents. From this scne it all goes downhill as this one makes the most sense. Enter Uncle Dusseldorf or what ever his name is. Here is a man, top hat, cane, eyepatch, cloak, and a servant boy behind him basicly doing whatever he's told. Here begins the pro-monarchist message of this play. Here we have an authoruty figure, we'll call him..."King Dusseldorf", and a member of the loar class, we'll call him "surf boy." These two find their way to a party where enters the main character(possably) Clara. Clara is a girl. That's about it, age is undeterminable because, well you'll see. Anyhow, she parades around the world like she owns the place and like the people behind her have less meaning than she does. Makeing this Clara, and egotistical, stuck up, premadona. Now, haveing a younger sister, this type of behavior happins around age 13, so at first i assume Clara's 13. Anyhow, pretty soon party guests start to arrive. A total of five families show up. Now, out of some bizar quincidence, each family consoosts of, a mother, father, a son and a daughter. All of them. Now this suggests that's how life should be run, the perfect family with the basic 2.5 kids. Creating a somewhat utopia. Now, aarriving after the guests arrives, good old Dusseldorf, well now him and his surf waltz on in and imidietly dusseldorf is hitting on all the married women. So suddenly i see that it's no longer a pro-monarcy and suggest that here are these normal happy families and here comes this dirty old king to mess it all up. Well, after arriving he pulls numerous swords out from under his cloak, I really don't wana know where he was hideing them, and he distributes them the all the boy's of the party. Then out of nowhere a massive box is rolled onstage. Inside are 5 innocent children dressed up as dolls. This signifies the minupulation of the monarchy and It's control over certin individuals. Acting as puppets, these human dolls are forced to pu on a disply for the party guests. Now Dusseldorf creates a lot of suspense on what's in this package he's just brough out....and inside, is, yup you gussed it, one of those cheap, 4 dollar Nutcracker dolls you see at like the drug store. This represents cheap american production, and how stupid the American consumer really is. The party guests are all in awe and amazed by this hunk or painted driftwood. Now comes one of the more disturbing parts of the production. Dusseldorf, presents the marvilous gift to the 13 year old Clara. So aparently dusseldorf is a pedafile. Well for the next 20 minutes Clara is danceing around play with the doll. Now this made me think, ok then she's a stuck up four year old cause she's playing with dolls. Well, her younger brother, realizeing that this pice of driftwood is controling his older sisters mind, runs over and mortaly wonds the painted pice of driftwood. Howver does he get a heros thank you?, nope more or less he gets a spanking(symbolizeing child abuse) and a good scolding. Heart broken clara runs off to bed and the piece of painted driftwood is placed under the tree. Well the party ends and everyone leaves, or so we think. Clara emrges in the dead of night and once again begins to play with the now broken pice of driftwood. She eventually gets tired and falls asleep on the couch. The sinister and preverted Dusseldorf has remind in the house and sneaks through throwing sparkel dust all over the place. Suddenly Clara wakes up and all the furniture seems to fly away and the tree suddenly goes through a growth spurt. Now on crack clara is in her own little fantasy world. Suddenly, hree black rats appear our of nowhere, harmlessly minding their own business there just roaming around haveing fun and not bothering anybody. Suddenly, a solidier appears and shoots one of the innocents rats. Now, This is defintly a pro-communist play symbolizeing that individualism is wrong and we should do what the goverment tells us. But all in all these poor rodents or the heros of this ballet. Well dusseldorf is back again and playing with all the rodentsm showing how a king and rebelous anaracist bond together. The soilders emergae and dusseldorf exits. A fight insues in which the defenseless rats are beatin meceralessly by the soilders heavy guns. Auddenly too the rescue, it's "THE RAT KING!!" However, the twisted writer of this has turned the rat into a black three-headed monster. Now aparently all evil people are black. So this has a racist twist in it. It's appaling we send our young children to see such bigotry. Anyhow suddenly the Nutcracker, who's white, appears a battle ensues and the rat king seems to have the upper hand. That is until clara who ruins a perfectly good duel ruins it by beatin on the poor rat king, now out numbered the rat king is killed by the Nutcracker, and somehow both fal lto the ground. Well, the entire rat king is draged off to but only the nutcrackers head is takin off by his soilders. Well skipping over the next hour of pointless dance it's determind that this nutcracker has a deep love for the 4 year old clara. But clara feels a deep love towards him, which leads me to now belive she's a stuck up 13 year old, a four your old playing with dolls, and a 17 year old falenin love with an inatitmate object. so you add them all up she's oh, 34. Well Dusseldorf returns, and by throwing his magic crack around the living room turns into snow and a sleigh come out of nowwhere and her and the nutcracker go off stage together as snow rains down from nowhere. This is where the act ends and so does everything that makes even the slightest amount of sense. And through the first half of the play i have seen one nutcracker and zero that's right not even one nut. Except the ones bluging out of the male dancers visably painful tights.
By Marteney
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 Danny's weekly video game column. Culture, history, gameplay, tech, and dick jokes. Funny, if you're a dorkmo.
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