 |
||||||||
|
The City vs The Puuba PosseOur adventure began a month ago. Myself, Max, Oli, and Matt (uh, you don't know him) were all at the park. All politely sitting, chatting, shooting up, and shooting guns. Out of nowhere, two cops showed up. Bright lights in my eyes and all. Oli crapped his pants. After a quick talk, we were promptly handed a curfew ticket and kicked in the balls. See, in my town, you aren't allowed outside past ten o'clock. This is supposed to protect old people; this way hooligans can't steal their midnight gruel. . . Or their colostomy bags. Anyway, we got the ticket and out trial was set for a month later. . .Finally, the day comes and we all have to go to court. I arrive alone first and the first thing I see is this really hot chick standing outside the door. This has to be good luck. So, I'm about to sneak up and hit on her, (aka - lick the side of her face), when she turns around. . . and turns out to be a crusty, old, feeble eighty year old man. Damn it!! And I thought I'd be able to get Court Head. Well, I don't think anyone else saw that, but suffice it to say, I spoke at least two octaves higher the rest of the day. Now, I gotsta get in. I met Max at the door, so at least I had a Manchild. To protect me from the scary herms and Mexicans probably. (No, I'm not racist. . . RACIST!!) And then we had to go through the metal detector. Every one of us went off except for me. Sure for Max, it was just the metal plate in his head, but I had a better "excuse". . . Me: Don't worry about it. My peeps is just packing heat fer backup. Security Guard: (gives a funny look) What? Me: Oh crap. I really shouldn't say things like that here. . . Then, on to the elevator. I'm bored. I'm looking around. I see this: Maximum Weight: 3700 Me: Yes! This elevator can hold a small cow!! I am so bringing Bessie next time!! Max: Nice! Then, it was down through the maze of halls and out to meet out doom. trial of the Finally, we got to enter the room. I expected Judge Scwarzeneger. I expected Judge Dread. I expected some super powered Brainiac 13 psycho cop who could alter my brain and get me to admit to crimes I'd never even heard of. Like smuggling shrimp. Or killing Max. Then, we got in. What a let down. All we had was a half man-half woman hermaphrodite. (Or Shim as Matt likes to say). Immediately, Oli began to execute Plan A. The judge wasn't that interested in Oli to begin with, but now with Oli pissing his pants, she became sort of actively not interested in him. The whole time, she avoided looking in his direction, in shame. Kinda the way your grandmother would... if you were peeing in her room. There's really no way to describe it -- Your friend pissing his pants in full public. And obviously doing it for you. Enter the us. Judge: (ignoring Oli) You may be seated. Me: Objection!! Judge: What? Me: My seat is cold. I want it warmed. Max: Bailif! Warm this man's seat!! Judge: Sit down!! We all sit down, except for Oli. Oli is now running in circles in the corner, chanting. Oli: It wasn't me! It wasn't me! It was te one-armed man! He had a rubber ducky! Help! Help! Judge: SIT DOWN!! Me: Your Majesty, please excuse him. he's a little scared. Judge: You don't have to call me Your Majesty. Me: I'm sorry, Your Highness. I've never been sentenced to death before. Judge: I can't do that. Me: Ha!!! Puuba wins again!! (pumps his fist) Judge: SHUT UP!!! Finally, Oli sit down in his seat. Now the case could begin. The judge started with me. Judge: You have been accused of breaking curfew. How do you plead? Me: Innocent, Your Festiveness. Judge: And why? Me: You did it! It was you! I saw it! Baliff, Take this judge away!! Max: Off with his head!! (No one moves. We quietly sit back down.) Judge: One more outburst like that. . . Me: And you'll push the red button?? Judge: There IS NO RED BUTTON!! Max: Then, how do you bomb the Arabs? Judge: Sit down!!! (We sit again. . . a few more seconds go by silently.) Oli: (jumps to his feet) Viva la revolution!!! (We all just silently stare at him for a few seconds. Nothing happens. Oli sits back down on the floor.) Judge: Can we get back to business? Me: Sorry. Then, we got to call witnesses! I called up my daddy! Me: I would like to call my first witness. Bessie the cow. Judge: What? There aren't any cows. . . Me: What'd you have for breakfast today? Judge: A steak. Why? Max: You killed Bessie!!! Judge: SHUT UP! Me: (whispering to Max) We forgot Bessie, remember? Max and I: Damn it. Max: Then, I shall call my first witness. ---- A thousand midgets on a thousand pogo sticks!! Oli: (runs over and swings open the doors, revealing nothing) Judge: There are no midgets!!!! Max: Then, why don't you dance? Judge: Why?? Max: Cuz the midgets can't. . . Me: Silly. . . At this point, Oli seems determined to try Plan B again. He starts grunting and straining. Me: (to Max) Oh, shit. I think Oli's gunna shit. . . Max: Maybe we can plead insanity. ***FART*** Judge: WHAT is WRONG with that boy?? Me: I told you. You scared him. Max: Or maybe. . . Me AND Max: He's a witch!! Burn him! Burn him!! To the stakes! To the gallows!!! Oli: (cowers in the corner, among his own muck) Judge: Burn him!!!! Burn him! . . . . I mean. . . ORDER!! Back to your seats. . . and STAY THIS TIME! Oli: You won't burn me? Judge: No. Not just yet. Oli: Ok. Can I get you an cold drink then? Ice tea? Judge: No. Oli: Damn. Me and Max: Pussy. Finally, and without much effort, we are all proved guilty. But, for some reason, the judge must have still thought that we were idiots. Judge: Do you now understand the laws regarding curfew violation? Max: We cannot be outside of our homes for any reason after ten p.m. Judge: Any questions? Me: Ten o'clock OUR time? Judge: Of course. . . Me: What if I don't come from "our time"? What if I'm from the future?? Judge: OUR TIME! Me: What if we turn our houses inside out? Then can we go anywhere we want? Are we allowed inside our homes? Judge: How would you do that? Max: He's from the future!! He can do things like that!! Oli: Future! Future! Future! Judge: Quiet! Me: Geez. Duh. And finally, it was time for the decision. Judge: Enough. For the final sentence, I assign all of you. . . Me: Can I pick from three curtains? Judge: No. Max: Can I have curtain number three? Judge: No. Oli: Can I get up now? This dunce cap is really starting to chafe me. Judge: YOU brought THAT yourself!! Oli: Oh. Right. Judge: The sentence is $250 and four hours of classes. Me: Can they be sex classes? Judge: With me? Max: Are you offering? (winks at me) Judge: No. Me: But they CAN be sex classes? Judge: No. Me: Bastard. Getting my hopes up. Judge: What was that?! Me: Uh. . . Ah, screw it. So, in the end, we were guilty. But, its ok. Because we learned a valuable lesson. When you break the law, be prepared to pay. Otherwise, you're doomed to sex classes. You may have been wondering why Matt has not said one word during this whole time. Well, that's easy. Matt has nothing important to say. . . and he turned into a toad. And so concluded our trip through the American Way. I hope it isn't always like this. . . or America needs help. Oh yea, and always pee your pants. Always. By Danny
| |||||||
|
|
Link Back Links Writer(s) |
 Danny's weekly video game column. Culture, history, gameplay, tech, and dick jokes. Funny, if you're a dorkmo. |
Puuba-Danny