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Most Important Job in the WorldWhen I was in second grade our teacher asked us to write a paper about what we wanted to be when we grew up. Being the little children we were we wanted to have courageous and important jobs such as policemen, fire fighters, air plane pilots, astronauts, ninjas, and pirates (I wanted to be a country's flag.) As I look back all these occupations are very important, but I realize that my second grade class and I forgot one of the most important jobs ever, the Maximum Occupancy Tester. Now I'm not sure if this job actually exists, but if it does it's definitely the most important job EVER (yes, even more important then Ninjas or Space Men.) Think about it, when you go to a restaurant and you see the sign that says, 'Maximum Occupancy 257' or some number like that, how do you think they come up with number like that? It's not like they just have some random way of determining it. ::construction worker puts on blind fold, picks up a squirrel, throws it at a dart board, writes down number on a card, places on wall.:: There has to be a logical explanation for how they get such weird numbers, and that explanation is Occupancy Testers. Now the way I figure it, after a building is built the contractor call the OTPA (Occupancy Testers Placement Agency) and asks for about 348 Occupancy Testers. Then the Occupancy Testers come in a clown car and pile themselves into a building until they can't fit no more. Many Testers are ex-contortionists or yoga teachers. But for the main part they are normal people just like you and me; well maybe just you. Once the building has been filled to the rim with Testers the building's fire exits are tested. The building is set on fire to see how fast the Testers can get out. If the time is adequate then they rebuild the building to the same blue prints, if not, they make a new design. Some of you may worry that the testers get hurt, or burnt, or maimed, or dead. But have no fear or worries because Maximum Occupancy Testers are very retardant. And they don't burn well either. Some might argue that my theory is preposterous, and that they just use a mathematical equation to find how many people can fit into a building. Well I say poop to that. I want my Occupancy Testers and I want them in clown cars damn it!! So in conclusion, the next time you are eating at a restaurant and you look up at that sign that says Maximum Occupancy 301, realize that the only reason why this building exists is because some high school drop out couldn't get a job being a Pirate and had to spend his life cramming himself into a building.By Max | |||
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 Danny's weekly video game column. Culture, history, gameplay, tech, and dick jokes. Funny, if you're a dorkmo. |
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