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Why Never to Upgrade Your Computer Again
AKA - Why I Hate the Sweedish
__I don't know if anyone else has had these problems, but they HAD to be unearthed eventually. If this article goes into rage-mode, just warn me. I'll be sure to put down the knife.
__Ok, I don't know when the Sweedish took charge of the world's technological prowess, but whoever gave it to them BETTER take it back. And quickly. The last three programs I have bought for my computer have had small errors - you know: crashes, bugs, full hard drive deletion. The usual. Like any optimistic consumer, I simply write the company a friendly e-mail, asking for tech support.
Company One: The whole website is in English. The program is english. The box has a fucking AMERICAN FLAG on it. I write them an e-mail. The response? SWEEDISH!
Me: Hello. Could you help with some tech support?
Them: Byorgen fyorden buunden hoober. (I'm sorry. We don't speak english.)
Me: Excuse me?
Them: Those Bastards: Byorgen Burble Bee (Screw you in the butt!)
__Companys Two and Three? Sweedish and . . . SWEEDISH!! Now, I didn't know that there were more than three Sweedish people who could SPEAK english, let alone program in it. I didn't know that there fucking WERE more than three Sweedish people. . . TOTAL!
__You know that its all part of an evil scheme. Jealous of our fancier lives, larger houses, and all-around larger American SHWANGERS, the Swedish needed revenge.
Sweed1: "I know. Lets drive them all to the brink of insanity. Hey! Car wreckage! If we glue it together, maybe we can sell it to some stupid Americans!"
Sweed2: "A porcelean toilet lid! I know! Lets smash it and sell it as computer chips."
Sweed3: THERE ARE NOT MORE THAN THREE SWEEDES!! The world would be TOO fucking STUPID!!
__Ok, I, for one, am going to break THIS fucking cycle. Screw technology. Screw CD-roms. Screw DVDs and screw sound. Here is what WE are gunna do. We're gunna go to the local school. We're gunna steal their old-school, shitty-ass Apple negative 1.0's. We are gunna TRASH whatever you have now and we are playing "Pac-Man" and "Oregon Trail" until our balls turn blue. Show those fuckin Sweedes!
__I got it all planned out. Oh yea. I got a mouse in my pocket. You know, the computer kind. And the first time I meet ANYONE Swedish or ANYONE named Sven or Svi, that thing is going DOWN THEIR THROATS! That thing is NOT getting double-clicked for two to five days, thank you.
__Now, I have another problem. With some friggin DVD player software. Today, I sent out a letter. Now, I know that I haven't gotten any smarter. But, does that mean that the WHOLE FUCKING WORLD has to get stupider? If the response has so much as ONE "byorgen" or "byurgen", some one is gunna pay. Oh yes. They will pay.
__I'm not saying that AMERICA has to take the lead in this thing. Let Japan have it. Or Canada. Hell, let fucking Botswana have the damn profit. All I'm saying is that SWEEDEN is fucking toast. They get SHIT from me.
__You may have noticed that my spelling of Sweeden and Swedish vary greatly here. There's a reason for that. There is absolutely NO reason to know how to spell Sweden. It's like spelling "diarhia" or "schmegma"! It just isn't a word you ever WANT to hafta type. In conclusion. avoid Sweden at all costs. And if you see one o those bast'ids, give 'em a swift kick to the ass. From me. Now, I'm leaving. I'm only half-way through the Missouri Territory and Billy just died of Cholera.
BYE!
By Danny
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Brother/Sister/LifePartner Things
 Danny's weekly video game column. Culture, history, gameplay, tech, and dick jokes. Funny, if you're a dorkmo.
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