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A gentle Primer in the Art of Working by Mr. Todd Well, Chilluns, school is out and it’s time to reflect on the achievements of this past eight months, and to postulate strategies for the coming year, as well as those for your future.. (please put down that Gameboy when I’m talking to…no, you canNOT go over to Pizza Hut, and by God, you’re CERTAINLY not going out dressed like that, I can see your…Use a tissue, don’t just jam your fingers up your…WHAT on EARTH is that in your HAIR??). Of course, we have tried to have these little discussions before (it’s CRAWLING right out of your shoe! You’re getting into the shower THIS INSTANT!!) So I sort of thought, well, this might be the time to bring up the possibilities involved in actually having…A SUMMER JOB! (No, you are NOT gonna slash your throat. Anyway, that’s a plastic spoon. Put it down when I’m talking to you. No, you cannot have a dog. Not after that snake.) I am quite aware of the difficulties posed by the ever-decreasing attention spans of each succeeding generation, and so in order to (I don’t CARE if Marcy has a nose ring! If Marcy said to jump off a cliff…) communicate clearly and comprehensibly, I will type very slowly. How to Get a Job It’s a rite of passage, really, when our bright young person steps into the hiring office for the first time ever, and inquires about “any openings?” Then, that feeling of jubilation when the phone rings and the caller informs you that you have been HIRED! But Chilluns, nothing can top the feeling of achievement you’ll experience when you receive your very first PAYCHECK. Here is the culmination of the process, whereby you learn the value of your own time, your hard work has paid off, you are a member of the GAINFULLY EMPLOYED! Of course, you’ll notice some arithmetic has occurred here, yes, yes…hmmm… Well, you have now discovered that you are also, simultaneously, a TAXPAYER! Let’s have look, hmm? Total hrs @ $6.3419=GROSS $174.36 Deductions Federal $ 81.27 State $ 27.41 FICA $17.39 Local $04.45 Union $07.64 BLT $ 04.95 Hld.Mayo BATF $03.84 NRA $03.84 RICO 5-7 yrs. WELL! It seems that Uncle Sam is having quite a time with your money! But that’s all to be expected. This country was built upon the forceful thievery of the Political…er, the contributions of the working class towards our great Monarchy…er…Government. Besides, why do you think they’re called Political Parties? And so, it becomes vital that you learn this process, and the sooner the better. Which is why I shall share with you, here, the secrets of successful Job Hunting, to with: How to Get a Job In the early days of this country, the place was overrun by an indigenous people called Indians. These people lived off of the land, in harmony with nature and the inner call of creativity that flourished in each and every one of them. They did not know or care about 40-hour workweeks, paychecks, sitting in traffic, butt-kissing, or any of that. They are now dead. Get the picture? So if you know what’s good for you, you will pay close attention to this dissertation, starting, appropriately enough, with: How to Get a Job If one looks at the ranks of the gainfully employed, one can gain an insight into what it takes to excel at this gainful pastime. You will notice that the key is to GAIN! (clever, eh? I thought so too.) “Nothing Without Labor” as the old saying goes, and that is so true today. For you are nearing the end of your parent’s largesse, approaching the time when it will be your turn to guide the overflowing septic tank of industry, to flush the course of your life toward the ever-beckoning water reclamation plant of common interest which is what made this country GREAT, DAMNIT!! Unless you’re like me. I’d rather play Wack-A-Mole. But if you still have the Courage, the Force of your Mighty Will, and the endearing Naivety of your generation, you will soon be welcomed with open arms into that great Fraternity, The Working Class, just as soon as you master the following, well-known and time-tested principles involved in the process known, namely, as How to Get a Job We’ll get to the Time-tested, Well-Known Principles as soon as I make them up. So first, let’s start with a brief quiz: 1) What special qualities do you have to offer an Employer or a company? A) I am a hard worker, a self-starter, totally focused to the task at hand. B) I need to make enough money to buy a new video card for my computer. C) I am a protein-based life form. 2) When you disagree with someone, you seek to resolve the dispute with: A) Give-and-take, logical discussion B) Arguments and threats. C) Assault weapons. 3) When your employer is away from the workplace, you seek to: A) Unify and inspire your Co-workers by your own excellent example. B) Argue and threaten. C) Wander off in search of the nearest Wack-A-Mole game. 4) You would describe your work habits as: A) Outstanding B) Superb C) Excellent 5) I mean, when you’re at the job. The place where you work: A) Huh? B) What? C) You mean, like, at WORK? Scoring: I’m sure there’s a method for scoring this quiz, but frankly, with you out of a job, I don’t understand why you are screwing around with quizzes like this, and not turning your attention to more important matters, such as: How to Get a Job Ah, yes. The big question. Unfortunately, we’ve run out of time, plus, there’s this one little sucker (WHACK!) who keeps popping up every (WHACK!) so often that I’m, like, totally focused on… With love, Mr.Todd 6/18/01
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Link Back Links Writer(s) |
 Danny's weekly video game column. Culture, history, gameplay, tech, and dick jokes. Funny, if you're a dorkmo. |
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