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Fun Ways to Kill a Person*This idea was actually completed a while back, but I deleted it because I thought people might take me too seriously. However, with Danny's encouragement, I decided to rewrite it! This time, my ideas are more inconceivable because I really don't want to be arrested if some kid decides to try one of these (there're some nuts out there...). After all, it is COMPLETELY possible to choke someone by forcing their testicles down their throats through a tube made of their own small intestine... (that idea was also abandoned because it is sexually discriminating)As, an additional disclaimer, I would like to add that I AM VERY EXTREMELY SUPER COMPLETELY ABSOLUTELY NOT SERIOUS ABOUT ANY OF THIS so disregard any vicious rumors you may have heard concerning me and the dead bodies under my bed and in my closet. Jenny: Hey kids, why the long faces? Kids: It's raining outside and we have nothing to do! Jenny: Aww come on, kids, you just have to use a little imagination... and THIS: ::Jenny pulls out a packet of paper:: "Fun ways to kill a person" (AKA "creative rainy day activities that you can do with your friends") Kids: Whee! 1. Imprison the victim within a small room in which the walls, ceiling, and floor are covered with pictures of clowns and happy faces. Starve the person. If after a few days the cries of hunger begin to keep you awake at night, toss the person a few of those scratch and sniff stickers. Don't worry about it not being real food, after a few days of starvation, your victim will be hallucinating along so nicely that the mere smell of the sticker should satisfy their cravings. ...Or drive them mad. ::shrugs::, whatever. Anyway, they'll die pretty soon, especially since you won't provide any water, right? Either that or they'll be driven so mad that they'll throw their head against a wall, but let's hope not, because while sudden death is momentarily entertaining, it takes away from the killing experience as a whole. *I recommend that you record what the person says. Let me tell you, a frightened, hysterical person on a natural mescalin high (you know, hallucinations that happen after a person hasn't been sleeping or eating for a while) will say some pretty crazy things. Ever hear someone on a bad acid trip? Yeah... it's kinda like that :) . An old favorite with a new twist: We've all heard of beating someone with their own arms/legs, but that's SO over done. What that idea needs is a fresh flavor! I've got a couple of suggestions: 2. Tether the person to a pole with their own intestines first. Then beating them with their limbs will be more fulfilling because a) you don't need help keeping the person still, and b) watching them try to run away is quite a sight (Why I remember when my grandmother did that to me! Wow, she was laughing like she'd never stop!). Be sure to cauterize any wounds so that the person doesn't bleed to death too quickly. 3. (This variation can be enjoyed by both you and your victim) Stand the severed limb up, and play ring toss with your victim (once again, remember to cauterize). If you win, you get to beat your victim to death with their limbs (make sure to take the ring toss rings off first, we don't need the victim to experience any unecessary injuries). If your victim wins... well... well then you just suck because you were competing against a person without any arms/legs for fuck sake!!!! Jenny: See if you can come up with some ideas on your own! Make sure that you keep things safe--get Mommy or Daddy to help you when using any sharp objects. Also, be polite to your victim. Offer them something to eat or drink while they wait for you to prepare for their demise. By Jenny
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 Danny's weekly video game column. Culture, history, gameplay, tech, and dick jokes. Funny, if you're a dorkmo. |
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