The First College Week

My father hurt his back watching me move in my stuff. My suggetion was this: Noname1122: you should just break down all the way and then move to the future and become a cop Noname1122: then lose to fighting about seven lackeys Noname1122: and you'll become a robo-dad. . . cop

     There are several tips to succeeding on move-in day. Be sure to show up at your room very early in the day. This way, you get to pick the best bed, and also to steal all the last year's candy. And if you're room mate's an asshole, you have the bear traps all set up. The key to quick and easy moving in is going directly to sleep in the middle of the room. Sleep like you're so unconscious you're vomitting out a second unconscious person who's even more unconscious than you. With any luck, your parents will come and fix all the mess that you've made.
     One quick note: I'm pretty sure that communal bathrooms were not actually meant to be called "convenience". It's a horrible typo, meant to actually read "bio-weapon".

Urge to buttsex rising. . .

     Now, one of the hardest parts of moving to a new place is making friends while there. I can tell you first hand that I know at least sixty people's names and not a single one's damn face. Also, I can tell you third hand that the guy down the hall likes to do it with snakes. And the bearded lady is a horse-fucking fraud.
     The easiest way to meet new people is to just give them your name and cup size. If you hit enough rooms, you are bound to eventually find someone as lonely as you. Between the meeting, crying, and spanking off, it's really just a matter of persistance and kleenex. Contrary to popular belief, however, impressing someone with accomplishments is not the best approach around. I don't care if you pull an Oscar out of your ass and make an acceptance speech as long as you're not clinically insane. I just want a guy to talk to.
     Also, there's a guy down the street protesting free condom handouts at school. But his reasons are just insane. I'm not going to tell penguin ranchers to poison all their penguins in case I ever have an uncontrollable craving for sex with lots of penguins. And kids aren't going to turn gay and start sabering asses just because they have a condom.

The first pic that came up for "club rush".

     Some time during your first week of school should come something like a Club Rush. But, as much as it sounds like it could be, there are no Cave Men and especially no Cave Football Players. Club Rush is basically when all the Christians on the campus recruit you and make you their slaves. The smart students avoid this and stay home, while the lesser students are captured. And go on to become mechanized Jesus bots. With new karate chop action.
     One man in particular I'd like to mention was repeatedly screaming, "Joshua said 'I am the path'! That implies that your's is not!!" Over and over til I wanted to cry. Now, I had several complaints about this. I mean, there can be several paths to everything. A shortcut and a long road, let's say. What if Joshua wasn't even on a dirt road? What if he was crawling through a pit filled with crocodiles or acid? Maybe my path is a freeway lined gold and people having sex, with gold. Not to mention where the path is leading. Sure, my path isn't Joshua's, but who said that I wanted it to be? My path's going to Electronics Boutique. Where's Joshua's going?
     The Gap.

     So, after my first week, I feel like I've accomplished many things. I've learned where most of my classes are and so far I don't have crabs. My room mate's not a gay rapist and no one's stolen my shit. I could use some more room decorations, but at least I know how to clean my own clothes. My last piece of advice to all the students out there is this: The "Kids in the Hall" can be found at all hours and the sketch with the pig boy's the best. My last piece to Cloud Strife is to find the medalion of time. And to all the TV executives out there, Superhuman Samurai Cybersquad. You have no idea how long it took me to find this pic.


By Danny