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How To Rule the WorldNow, I don't like to think of my self as "cocky", persay, but there comes a time in every man's life when he must face a harsh truth. My time has finally come. Avoid it as I can, I have to face the facts. I simply am better than everyone. Its not bragging; its just truth. Believe me, its better that you accept it than try to prove me wrong. After all, I'm better. How can I be wrong?Well, seeing as I am the supreme being of the universe, I got to wondering. . . 'Why aren't I in charge here?' I mean, come on. I really should be the ruler of the world, shouldn't I? Ruler, emperor, king - I dunno - Something. Grand Puuba. Yea, I like the ring of that one. Now, all I really need is a plan. To take over the world, that is. It shouldn't be that hard, right? I mean, Pinky and the Brain can do it, and they are just freakishly big-headed mice. Well, luckily, I do have some plans. You can keep a secret, right? Alright, then here we go. First of all, starfish. Yea, that's right, star fish. Did you know that when ever you cut a starfish in half, each half grows a new half -- creating two star fish!! This can then be repeated and repeated, turning one starfish into thousands. . . or millions! For just four or five dollars, I can buy an army! Now, this may seem stupid to you, but just think of the potential. Throwing stars, shiruken, sharp things to throw. . . There is so much! Also, could these starfish maybe have ESP? Think about it. They did all come from the same brain. Could be. And if so, is there a way that maybe I could join in? Maybe by eating one of them? I could single-handegly control a whole tank! I dunno what I'd do with them, but at least I'd have them. Oh, come on. . . It's more than you have. . . (Hehehe, got hoards already. . .) Secondly, boyscouts. Oh, they make look tame and quiet, but do you realize how good those guys are with knots? And I found a way to make it work for me. Ok, listen closely now. First, we shrink them. No, I don't know how. That's why you're here. I dunno - throw them in the dryer or use mayonaise or something. Give 'em viagra. That makes everything else look smaller. Good, now our plan can take place. Now comes the fun. We send the scouts ten at a time toward our enemies. The scouts sneak up the foe's pant leg and toward the weak point -- the belly. Here, the scouts. . . untie the belly button! Its ingenious! Imagine the 911 calls: "Hello, operator; my, uh, stuff fell out. -- Yea, my stuff. -- You know, liver, gizard, kidneys. . . -- What, no I can't drive down. My stuff's out! -- Well, maybe with a wheel barrel??" People would be helpless! Gut and goo everywhere!! Aw geez. I hope no one unties my belly button. Come to think of it, ow. . . We probably should experiment on babies though. Heh. Finally, Mr. T. You just can't beat that guy. I mean, damn. Need I say more? He pities the foo who doesn't eat his apple sauce, and I ain't no apple, so you say goodbye to Motts. Instead of completing this article, I will now continue to Jibba-Jabba until I get bored. I pity da foo who don't sea on sour-crout. You ain't no hot dog and ain't no way I'm gunna be YO bun. So you take dat fly an' bust. Hippos ain't green and you ain't no hippo! You some kinda pansy? Huh? You a pansy? 'At's IT! I'm callin you Mista P! And everyone knows -- Mr. T BEAT Mr. P! Just like he beat cancer! And cancer ain't got nothing on Mr. T! Mr. T's on cancer! Just like he on yo Momma! With a hippo! . . . Mr. P! Damn it, Murdock! You an yo' crazy jibba-jabba! Gunna cut you like I cut the cheese! Eat the beat and seat the wheat! Foo! In conclusion, I forget what I was talking about. That happens too much here. Oh yea, I rule. By Danny
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Link Back Links Writer(s) |
 Danny's weekly video game column. Culture, history, gameplay, tech, and dick jokes. Funny, if you're a dorkmo. |
Puuba-Danny