Le Novel Erotique
Read Porno In Public

Every single dream I have.

Note. In one page of the book, the woman sees her man leave and breaks down into tears. But remember, authors like this have no skill in fiction. Those tears aren't fake. A man with the Shining was standing behind her and she really thought that she would die. Either that or there were ghosts. And she really thought that she was going to die.

     So, on the way to the airport today, I sat next to a woman reading an "erotic novel" on BART. (BART, which happens to be our subway around here, and not a spike-head yellow kid. And only maybe a slang for some robot warrior.) (Like I wish.) You know what I mean by erotic novel. The books where it's all about sex and peepee refs, but everything's throbbing and it's made for the old. I can't really say much for sure beyond that. Whatever else gets an old woman off. Potpourri and scented candles. Throbbing wrinkled dongs.
     Come on. The thing is just porn, and we all know it. What makes that appropriate? If an old woman can ninja-fap on the train, why can't I whip it out on the bus?
     And cockslap the driver?
     'Til we crash into whores that are made of good dreams?

Now, I'm just a hardcore-punk. Who happens to dress in borderline drag.

     It seems to me that this is just as bad as taking Playboys into school. Well, you know, minus the erections during presentations. And pictures of gratuitous sex.
     I mean, honestly. THe only picture in the book is the one on the cover. Which, I have to say, looks kind of like a girlyfied pirate Tarzan. Or a machine gun, in my version. Or being hit by a seagull, in the real life version.
     Come on. At least the creators can be somewhat creative. It's not like we don't know how to give the kids what they want. Instead of a pirate, you have a pirate with tits. Instead of a luberjack, you have a lady lumberjack. With really huge tits.
     Belated warning. I have no trouble saying the word "penis". Anyone who does should avoid reading this article. Moreover, they should be too busy to go online, planning tea parties for dollies in their multiple vaginas. Which may or may not have vaginas of their own.

     More importantly, in the age of computers and internet now, who lugs their porn along with them anyway? You can just stop at the nearest library. Be a man. Pay fifty cents and get your card, pull a kid off of his Oregon Trail, and fap off til you cry.
     Mostly because Ted got typhus and you couldn't figure out how to quit.
     Also a little that Mary just drowned, and you still can't find out how to quit.

Question. Do old women sticky pages in their porno too? Or just fill them with stickers of kitties and yarn? And wangs.

     Anyway, with the advent of Windows, there's almost no reason not to compu-fap. Someone's coming - you minimize. You hear a sound - you minimize. When the intruder comes in, they're none the wiser. And clever-you is busy looking up codes for PacMan on the 'net. With popup ads for chicks with dicks. Luckily, trust me, your mom gets those too. Only she says it's cuz she shops at Nordstroms or plays Bridge with her friends late at night. I'll tell you the truth.
     Your mom is a porn-savvy internet whore. And all the world knows it but you, accident.
     Also, your father was really a horse, or some combination of a horse and equine. And the only power you got from it all was fast internet speed. But, don't worry kiddies at home. The faster your net connection, the bigger your dick will be.

And really, what other, better reason to cum?

     I mean, when it comes down to it, being caught with porn in public is really just all about being ready. When I'm caught with my blow up friend at church, I've already got stocked lies ready. "My aunt Jenny just fell, and I'm picking her up." "She fell down again, and I'll get her again." "Stop staring at me. I feel stupid enough."
     In the world of lies and subterfuge, I'm a level 9 prince of rocking-the-fuck-out.
     In the universe that I come from, it's destroy or be destroyed, yo. And all of you are the little, yellow, hard-hat wearing gnomes. And I've got a band that plays nothing but love.


By Danny