How To Film Your Own Porno

I went to the stone age, and all i got was this lousy fap sock.

     Now, the filming of porno is easy, and any pervert with a webcam can do it. . .

Set-Up

This is the only kinda bear I'll have sex with.

     First, you'll need to decide what type of porn you'd really like to do. If you're gay, that'll probably be gay porn. If you're straight, it might be straight porn. But its probably really lesbians. The key to step number one is to remember this. You are casting for your own film. No matter what your job is really like, "Gay for Pay" is not a valid excuse for anal intrusion. And neither is, "I only like the wanger."

Official tool of porn stars everywhere.

     Next, you'll need a casting call, and by "casting call", I actually mean a lot of booze. You'll probably only need one other real person. The rest of the cast can be replaced by blow-up dolls, cheap hookers, and my imagination. Or by bananas and wide open rectums. To attain your first girl, your first request should be a girlfriend or wife. The second should be her sister. Or hot, younger mom.
     Caution -- If the world has just turned all back and red, or gravtiy has reversed itself, you probably just asked someone you shouldn't have. Either that or your dimension has turned inside out. Scream until you puke and die.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your mother sucks a mean cock.

     Important note. Be sure to check all actors and actresses for disease before you start film. Like milk, porn stars have been known to spoil long before their stamped-on date. Shake them; if they have chunks, give them to the dog. Smell them; if its remotely like cheesecake, return them to sender. My poor friend once came down with chlamydia, a horrible disease that can, at worst, make your penis explode and, at best, make your penis and someone else's head explode. Dealing with one director, I once contracted a severe case of bullet infection, a condition for which the only cure is death.

Equipment
     This is the single most important part. Use photo or video or etch-a-sketch, but most important be sure to use it right. I've lost hours of perfectly good orgy footage on one jerk's mistake. And God's. I blame God for ever having the nerve to place this so-called man on Earth. In addition, for many years afterward, I'll pretty much blame everything bad on God, which is great. God never argues back. I win by default. He still owes ten bucks.

Anything but this. I. Hate. This.

     My personal preference is a webcam, for immediate view back or broadcast. This way, your friends can watch it and tell your wife and she can divorce you without ever leaving your home. Saving postage is a plus! If you can fuck with a cup on, do. Second best I guess would be a real camera. Assuming you don't have any real big plans, this is the best medium to save for posterity. And what better way to show your kids you love them then simply showing them your cock at their age?
     Better yet, I plan to show all kids my cock at a real young age. When it's still about as big as their heads. That way, for years to come, all they will have to really judge by is my gargantuan manish-member. They'll have nightmares about it and it'll haunt their dreams. Mine will be the dick that ate New York. And every last scrap of morals I have.

Kinda like masturbation. My favorite part's the cuddling.

     Stay tuned next time where I'll let our PowerTwins Activate, and you'll turn into a Cartesian Condor and I'll turn into a bucket of ice. Until then, keep this in mind. . .
     There's no such thing as a pretty scrotum.