Kama Sutra, Kinda
(Please, Please, Cosmo. Do not sue my ass.)

OCTOPUS Your guy sits on the floor, his hands on the ground behind him, his legs splayed open, knees slightly bent. While keeping your hands on the floor for support, you face him, then straddle his lap, raising your legs so your right leg rests on his right shoulder and your left leg on his left shoulder. Keep your bodies close together so he doesn't slip out.

Maybe its all the anime I watch, but the first word I think of here is "tentacle". As in "hard core ass nasty tentacle rape".      I think the hentai has corrupted my soul.      Octopi aside, however, this position seems very. . .lazy? I'll admit that all I have to go by is the picture, but judging by that, these two seem kinda bored. Not to mention confused. Which one is the guy? Shouldn't one of those bodies have an NES controller in their hand? Sex just ain't the same without Ryan and Alex.      Also, in case you were wondering: the second word was "WonderTwin".

Puuba Proposition: I say we blow up Canada, totally to hell. A week later, we come back and annex the ruined shit. Rename it "America Two: America Returns". Where'd America go and why'd it come back? No no no. You gotta see the original.

AMAZING BUTTERFLY The key to taking wing with our revolutionary position is lining up correctly with your man: Find a place -- maybe your bed (if it's a high one) or a desk, counter, or even the hood of a car -- where your pelvis is about one foot lower than his. Lie back while your guy stands in front of you. (Tip: He might be able to kneel if your bed is superlow.) Then lift your legs and rest your feet on his shoulders. Now, throw in the Cosmo Superlift: Tilt your pelvis upward so that your back forms a straight line angling up toward him and your crotches meet. Put his hands just under your hips so he can hold your booty at the perfect angle while he thrusts (and you don't have to worry about flexing your abs to keep things in line).

Wait, I think I do this exercise at my gym. This is the one where you lock your feet in place, lay back on the board, and do sit-ups, right? The one where the giant hulk named Henrei penetrates my vagina?      Judging by the picture now, this man is obviously swinging his woman around in circles, possibly to knock down all the other Foot Clan warriors. Little does this man know, the Foot Clan only attacks in ones. Side note: This girl may also be a rail gun, shooting out spike after spike. This author makes no judgement.      Final Note: When I become a professional wrestler, my (Up C) move will be the "Cosmo Superlift". Booya.

     If I had to have a nickname, mine would have to be Collosus Cock. Not so much because my penis is big, as because when it gets frightened, it grows a shiny metal exoskeleton.

SEXY SCISSORS You lie faceup on a desk or tabletop with your hips perched on the very edge. Raise your legs to an eye-popping 90-degree angle, then have your guy grab your ankles. He extends his arms out to his sides, and as your legs are spread-eagle, he enters you while standing. Next, he starts alternately crossing and spreading your legs like scissors, opening and closing as he thrusts.

If you didn't know that scissors are sexy, you've never been to my pre-school. They may be round tipped, but the running is just as exciting.      Now, I know that I don't have the strength to keep this one up. I am a gigantic wuss and without this man's ear tenticles, I could never bear to lift a girl. Especially not without one of those magic white boxes. I have very delicate skin, and I ain't gunna be no Sexy Paper.      Finally, if I didn't know better, I'd say that this man is being strangled by ankles. And, as I don't know better, I will.      Get this man some help.

Puuba would like to say: The Amazing Butterfly was always my favorite SuperFriend. However, as websites have no mouth, it will think it instead. With ESP.   : (

PASSION PROPELLER Your man lies on top of you, entering you in traditional missionary style, but then --yowza!-- he starts doing a 360-degree spin, all the while keeping his penis deep inside of you. As he's rotating and thrusting, help guide him around your body like a propeller would spin around the top of a helicopter. Make sure to life his legs when they swing around over your head.

Yay!! This position is just like a merry-go-round! Only with more penis! (The old ones only had a little.)      I don't know about you, but I really can't see myself crawling in circles during sex. Unless I'm Homer Simpson, and I just got the dental plan, I don't see myself spinning in any floor circles at all. . . Rug burns. Sexy.      And all that's not to mention my greatest fear.      How many turns does it take until the thing screws off?

Did you know: Gigantic Wusses are able to break average wusses in one single bound.

KINDA OFF TOPIC

I am friggin pissed! Did you know that a few years ago, there was a Superman vs Batman comic? And Batman Won!!      Come on! Batman's only power is a cartoon vault full of money! Scrooge McDuck had that power! If Supes had just raided Wayne Manor, went ghetto style, for just one minute, what's Batman's power now? Excessively tight spendex. Oh, and pedophelia. But that's not really a super power. More a felony.

Ryan and Alex! You know! From River City Ransom!!

God, I hate you guys. . .

Pictures rented from Cosmopolitan.com. Left bar excerpts the same. I got no rights to those. Be cool.

By Danny