 |
|
Comic Con 2002
As many of you out there may know, I consider myself a loser. Not that kind of never-get-a-girl, wank-in-public-buses loser, though I have of course done that. And not the kind of dress-like-Spock and dance-naked-in-a-field-of-Klingons loser either, even though my garden may be Klingon plentiful. I do, however, play video games. And live online. And read my comic books.
And this leads me to my story today. ComicCon 2002. This last week, the Con took place, and I'll never look at homemade lightsabers the same way again. . .
Before entering the Con, I was faced by an hour long line. Generally, the line wouldn't have been so bad, however, surrounded by Jedi and teenage gamers, I was more than intimidated. More like terrified. Terrified that I might be mind-warped to give the secret to the Death Star away by my self. Or just give out handjobs to X-Men for free.
Usually, I'm sixty bucks.
|
Or maybe the plans have been leaked already... |
This is legal to post, right? Free advertising doesn't hurt? |
The convention opened up into a pre-convention con. Basically with all the stuff not good enough to make the con. Or as I called it, "The Bad-Guy Section". Basically, the Bad Guy section was filled with one Xena Villan, Darth Vader from Star Wars, and the guy who played 'Timmy' from Lassie. I was told that the guy who played Willow was there, but refused to believe he exists. Promptly, I was turned into a goose and beheaded. Alena gave a kiss and made the whole thing all better.
Now, my first impression of the real convention was "Wow, I found people even more losery than me!" When my second impression was, "Look! Homemade lightsabers! I wish I had!" and "I wish I was inivisible so I could help and fight the borg," and my first action was peeing myself in my joy, my confidence wavered. Fortunately, Alena was there with some comforting words: "Go back to the car and go change."
And it may be a secret, but I'll share nonetheless. The only reason the Foot doesn't cry is they're all made of robots themselves. And robots are too happy to cry.
|
Soon into the con, I found the mascot for Viz's lead comic, Dragonball Z, at the enterance to the food booths. "I love you, Goku," I told the big plastic mask while I hugged. But all I heard back was a surly, "Back off". Determined nonetheless, and bolstered by Krillin's endearing miming, I tried to shoot out a kamehameha, and across the aisle, a guy dressed like a woman fell down.
Yet from the inside of Goku's enormous fake head, all that was heard was a bottle dropping. And the sounds of a midget in tears.
|
If you look too hard at this picture, you will explode as well. |
Wank material? Check. |
At one point I swear I saw a man dressed up as Aquaman. Now, you all know how much I despise Aquaman, but ya know, there's something you do have to admire about a man named after something as loyal as water. I mean, water's never flown in my hair and tried to suck my blood. And it's definitely never dropped itself on the floor in prison to make me try and pick it up.
Not like that commie bastard soap. Soap and I do not get along.
After dreamily staring at Aquaman for a while, the next celebrity I saw was Chastity. Now, I don't necesarilly love Chastity, but now I had a theory. ComicCon Security already had me under tight cam surveilance for the Aquaman admiring and had quickly alerted the proper hetero underground agency. I figured if I just balanced my time with Chastity, the whole day might just even itself out. Then, after security relaxed again, I'd get my pic with Aqualad and try to see under his gils. In as hetero a way as a teenage male can. I got a pic of Alena with Chast before making my master plan real. But by that time, I forgot about it after seeing something else. Something I was aparently too confused to remember, but I can assure you was cool.
Probably something with robots or porn.
|
One of the major things I'd come to see was Penny Arcade and Gameskins. After waiting in line for a couple minutes, I did get to meet all the guys and be shy. Batjew and Safety Monkey look everything like I had thought they would be. I don't think one thing Batjew said made sense. But I do have to cut them a bit of a break. I was starting to tire some time around now and can't really confirm that I stood there at all. Picture evidence says I did see the crew, but my memory says that they may have been shrimp. Giant, talking, Jedi shrimp in the bodies of grown men.
I think if I were forced to sign posters all day, I'd have been much less willing to talk and Chastity's spike thong'd be far more appealing. To use as sacrificial spikes.
|
They're much less made of ink and screen in person. |
In my dreams, I see a little headless robotic penguin. |
Around this time, I hadn't eaten for about twelve hours and the food at the 'vention was rrreally steep. It was about this time I became absolutely sure that Karn and Ardam had poked their heads physically out of my mag to give me my orders to kill. I can only guess that the naked chicks in my Raijin comics were the ones that then told me to stop. Possibly by slashing me with my own emaciated limbs.
When it started getting late, I think we both got kinda down. So to pick eachother up, we got a five dollar cookie to split. Then, while I was eating, Alena yelled "Boobs!" and while she was eating I screamed at her "Gay men!". Being part of a technique we'd been developing for years, I think this picked us both up quick. Other variations of our get happy fast scheme are to drive by a rave club and yell "Rainbow Brite!" out the window. Or walk up to Weinerschnitzel and scream as loud as you can "Megatron!" They get so excited you'll think you got elected President Autobot. So, needless to say, we moved on.
|
While looking for a DDR booth at the Konami stand, two people inquired about Alena's puuba shirt. Chastity actually was one, and it may just be me, but I don't personally think that a girl who professionally kills vampires has any right to call a pooping moose "sick". The girl with the bloodshot eyes made Danny cry.
But, if you're reading, Chast, well, Hello! I tried to figure whether you'd come or not already, but my prediction skills are weak. Unlike the lucky psychics or fat guys in shorts. Fattys' protruding, engorged stomach folds are always five minutes ahead of us in time, proudly making the future smell just like a pie.
|
I've found your weakness, Chastity! Prepaya the meat so dume! |
The mystery man in the front is someone. I'll pretend that it's me just for fun. You can pretend it's whoever you want! Suggestions include both Bigfoot and my mom. |
The final booth we hit was the Shonen Jump set-up. There, I finally met Chris Sabat live. The voices for Piccolo, Vegeta, and Tien. Several times before, I had almost had the chance but missed. And I can say right now, I had no idea I was still a Dragonball fan at all 'til I set eyes on Chris Sabat. For just a sec, I became a ten-year-old fan girl. I shook his hand and said my greets and skipped my way to the door. Unfortunately, I forgot pics, so masturbation's to a low. And Chris, if you ever read that, is that a joke or not? The mystery is yours.
Overall, I'd say the Con was a smashing success. Er, I would if it didn't sound like something my father would say. So instead I'll say that it just roxored my boxors. I definitely got everything I wanted and I even met some friends from home. I read some comics that aren't even out yet. The Green Lantern and Spidey would rip open my ass. Thank you ComicCon for making all my non-sexual dreams come true. Thank you art-show guy for giving me the urge to kill and dance. And thank you Aquaman just for dressing how you do.
If the hooks don't make you look bad-ass, just try a metal hook shaped head. Persisence pays off in the end.
|
By Danny
|
|
Recent Updates
|
Brother/Sister/LifePartner Things
 Danny's weekly video game column. Culture, history, gameplay, tech, and dick jokes. Funny, if you're a dorkmo.
|
Your,
Puuba-Danny
|
