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We Inturrupt Your Puuba Viewing Pleasure to Bring You. . .Are insects and bugs giving you problems at home? If so, our new Pillage (c) Pest Control system is just for you! Using state-of-the-art microschip technology, our patches can take ANY insect problem down to zero.Here's how it works. First, the strip emits a hyper-attractive scent lure to pull the offending critter to the scene. Once the bug arrives, a small tidbit of drugged food is put out for the bug to eat. Under the morsel is. . . a red carpet and top hat. Putting on the top hat, the drugged creature will quickly assume that he was invited to a ballroom party and follow the carpet. After a delightful evening of dinner, dancing, and food, all catered by our robotic "death troops", the floor will slowly begin to split open, revealing a . . . pool below! How embarrased will the offending cockroach be once his new tux or gown is RUINED by our trap?? But, wait - there's more. After the initial shock, four robotic hands emerge from the trap. Each grabs one of the creatures legs, immobilizing it permanently. A voice now emminates from the machine, asking intimidating questions. The whole time, the temperature is slowly raised and a red light is shone. "Where were you last night? Where is the body? Which way do toilets flush in China? WHERE ARE MY PANTS?!?" By this time, the creature should be sweating in terror. At this point, another hand emerges from our machine. It spends a straight ten minutes repeatedly kicking the bug in its little buggy crotch. Finally, all five hands retract, tearing off the bug's limbs along with them. By this point, the enemy should just about be at death's door. So, now we tar and feather it, make fun of its mom, and throw it down the stairs. All the while playing the theme song from the Power Ranger Movie. The rest of the carcass is put into a blender, rendering delicious and useful "buggy juice". The blood is then smeared on the outside of the door to discourage and terrify and later intruders. The words "Keep out." are written in blood. Then, the red carpet is rolled out again to start the process all over again. Bouncers at the door keep the waiting pests in line. And there you have it!! Buy Pillage Pest Control now, for all your humane (and not human) extermination needs. ::changes channel:: ::a latin voice:: Smooth as velvet. Silky as the skin of your lover. The new Lexus GS300 will leave you in a rapture beyond your wildest imaginations. Its luxurious interior. Its stylish paint job. ::carrasses his hand over one side of the car:: It is almost too good to be true. It. . . Its. . . sweet mother!! I cannot resist any further!! Lexus! Make sweet love to me! Hold me! Spank me like you were my daddy!! ::hops onto the car and begins gyrating his hips:: TOO SEXY!!! ::channel changes:: Are stains getting you down? Does your carpet look like a filthy animal lives in your house? You filthy piece of shit. . . Well, now you can do something about it! WIth Nitrosweep! The new system that cuts through ANY stain! Even flesh! Utilizing simple concentrated acid technology, this cleanser can do anything! Well, except fly. Only I can fly. Now then. Can we get a volunteer from the audience? ::a woman steps forward, sees a swatch of carpet on a table, surrounded by multiple staining substances:: Now, miss please look at these substances. Catchup, wine, pet stain. . . ::he picks up a battle axe and cuts off her head over the rug:: Blood too! . . . .Thank you, miss. You can. . . return to your seat. ::pours acid over the corpse, dissolving it to nothing:: And the stain is gone!!! Damn, isn't anything on? ::channel change:: Hello, and welcome back to Saturday Night Live!! Guess not. . . Ah well. Go back to whatever you were reading before. . . By Danny
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Link Back Links Writer(s) |
 Danny's weekly video game column. Culture, history, gameplay, tech, and dick jokes. Funny, if you're a dorkmo. |
Puuba-Danny