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"Cop Chases the MAN Didn't Want You to See - Part 76!"Announcer: THIS time, on Cop Chases too WILD for TV - Part 76. . .::series of car crashes and explosions - mind numbing heavy metal music and flashing lights:: ::ten minutes later:: Well, um, actually. . . that's all the footage we have... Damn. But, anyway - here it is again in ONE HOUR format. One hour of gut-wrenching, mind-blowing, heart-pounding, face-peeling, eyes-bleeding, ::few minutes pass::. . . pus-dripping, toe-stubbing, hangnail-ripping ACTION! Announcer: Our first chase brings us to the crowded streets of this busy working town. ::camera pans, showing empty barren streets:: They were safe enough... until now. One man, today decided to get on the wrong side of our cop - Sgt. Jones. Sgt. Jones: Well, I saw the man exiting the Seven-Eleven at about noon. He was holding a slurpee. I just stopped to tell him his fly was down, when things just went wrong. Announcer: The suspect ran into his car, narrowly avoiding Sgt. Jones, and being chased by a large dog. He then proceeded to pull out of the driveway and onto the main street. Jones, unwilling to let this man walk by unaided, gave chase. Sirens blared and lights flashed. This chase had just gotten out-of-con-trol. The man sped by the local stores at a blazing 35 miles per hour, stopping only for red lights and stop signs. Sgt. Jones: The man was putting MY city at risk - THIS cannot be allowed. Announcer: Jones immediately proceeded to ram the suspect, throwing him into nearby buildings, trees, and a large crowd of nuns. Jones: I thought the nuns might break his speed. I couldn't let anyone else be hurt. The nuns just exploded though, like. . . like a big bloody Forth o July sparkler. I dunno, maybe these nuns were defective. Announcer: Finally, the heroic Jones managed to stop the offender by throwing him off the narrow bridge ahead. As the offender plunged to his terribly violent death, Jones triumphantly screamed, "X-Y-Z!! You're fly is open!!" Jones: It was a job well done. I went home satisfied, knowing i had done a good job. ::commercial break:: Announcer: And we're back! Our next chase brings us to the busy streets of Danville, USA. ::camera zooms in on two officers savagely beating a man. Man is yelling, "What?? What did i do?!?":: Officer 1: Helicopter team - this is Officer Murray. We are gunna need helicopter backup, now. Announcer: The helicopters were immediately dispatched to the scene. ::cops letting the man go - the man stumbles a few feet, and falls:: Officer 1: Run! Run, you bitch! This is on TV!! GO NOW! ::man sits down, stunned:: Officer 1: NOW! ::pulls a whip out of nowhere:: RUN! Officers and dogs are chasing the man, being whipped onward by Officer One:: Heli. Pilot: We have helicopter backup. Suspect is spotted running south-bound on the 101. Officers in hot pursuit. Announcer: Now, things were really getting hot. ANYTHING could happen and ANYONE could be hurt. ::Man running turns into a chicken - Officers all explode:: Announcer: And it did. ::Chicken grows tenticles, officers regenerate:: :: ::all returns to normal:: Heli. Pilot: Air support still in pursuit. Damn! The man has run into the woods. I lost him. Bringing up infrared. Announcer: What the officers did not know was this. . . The pilot. . . was a PENGUIN! Voice from nowhere: What?!? Penguins can't fly!! PENGUINS CAN'T FLY!!! Pilot: Oh no. ::helicopter plummets to the ground:: Announcer: Well, the suspect got away this time... and yet another element of evil lurked in the streets. Man: What did I . . .do? ::coughs up some blood:: What did I DO? Announcer: Next time - on "Cop Chases the MAN Didn't Want You to See" See a crimehardened three-year-old evade authorities on a tricycle. A grown man crossing the street hit by a biker. AND the speeding steamroller crush through the busy streets of Mongolia. On the next eye-bulging, nail-biting, hair-ripping, nose-dripping ::puff puff:: bed-wetting, head-popping. . . ::announcers head explodes from excitement:: By Danny
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Link Back Links Writer(s) |
 Danny's weekly video game column. Culture, history, gameplay, tech, and dick jokes. Funny, if you're a dorkmo. |
Puuba-Danny