Damn You, Kevin Kostner

Number 1) Now, if I said that the worst part of the movie were the scenes where Kevin Kostner drank his own pee I’d be lying, cause those scenes ruled. In my mind those scenes will be better than all acting I will ever see for the rest of my life. Lawrence of Arabia, Ben Hur, Citizen Kane, Rocky 3 all fail in comparison to Kevin Kostner drinking his own urine. But in all truth the machine that converted his man fluid wasn’t all that necessary. If Kevin had been as resourceful as McGuiver he would have made a machine took salt water, evaporated it with the sun’s rays, and then collected the salt free water vapor in jars (Voyage of the Mimi style). I guess Mr. Kostner really likes drinking his own piss...

Number 2) Think back about the movie if you’ve seen it before, can you remember what Kevin Kostner’s character’s name was? Was it Steve, or Peter, or Mike or Jeff?... No! it was none of these. The character is never mentioned by any name. I don’t know why they didn’t give him a name, that’s usually something all characters have, I guess they felt he didn’t deserve one. Maybe he had some really cool name like Hazim the Almighty Slayer of Cabbage, but then Kevin Kostner did something to anger the writers and make them erase his character’s name. But the script ends up okay because for the entire movie everyone ends up talking to Kostner like a stray dog; “Here boy” “Hey you!” “Mister can I have your crayons?” So I guess he was just a generic guy with no name. It only bothers me because regardless of who you are you have to have a name, even if it’s a stupid one that describes your personal traits, like Smelly Man or Dirty Guy or Greg. Wait a second... now I remember. In the scene where generic guy gets discovered by the guards they call him, “MUTATION!!!” Yes I have found his name! And for all those people who looked in the credits and saw “the mariner” next to Kevin Kostner’s name, well that’s obviously a typo. The mariner should have been replaced with MUTATION!!!

Number 3) Remember the scene at the atoll where the villagers dropped the corpse into the big pool of green slime? Did they ever tell us exactly what that stuff was? I guess it was meant to be some sort of mud, but if it was that would mean that the only dirt left on the Earth would be; on dry land, at the bottom of the ocean, and in the big pool of green slime. Sorry but I refuse to give the slime that much credit, it has to be something else. What it is I haven’t a clue, maybe it’s a giant vat of split pea soup. Yeah, and maybe the villagers gave human sacrifices to appease the pea soup god. Why they would want to please the Split Pea Soup God I have no idea, why aren’t you trying to please the Soup Gods! And why they would sacrifice people who were already dead I dunno either, maybe it was because they lived so much closer to the Sun and it made them crazy or something. Anyways if it is Pea Soup then that means that peas soup is a carvivore in the future and has a chance at taking over the world, so do your species a favor and eat some soup today before it becomes a threat.

Number 4) This next thing has just begun to puzzle me, how did Kevin Kostner breathe for the chick when they jumped under water? I mean sure it sounds like it makes sense, the guy breathes water so he’ll just breathe for both of them, but that couldn’t possibly work ever. The way gills work is that they would take oxygen out of the water and then run it through his blood stream as though he were taking oxygen from out of air. He still breathes out carbon dioxide like all other animals on earth, it’s not like he’s a plant and puts out oxygen....I think. So believing that he’s a mammal fish thing and not a human tree fish thing he can’t breathe for the woman so therefore she drowns and dies thus improving the movie ten fold by eliminating her high pitched annoying voice. God damn Kevin Kostner not following logic....and for making the movie The Postman.


By Max