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MOONWALKER__ Danny the Puuba king was at my house yesterday (he still won't let me call him "Mother"--he and Alena think it's creepy. ::shrugs::). We have decided upon a new "best movie ever" (although it might just be surpassed by Mr. T's self-help video, Be Somebody Or Be Somebody's Fool--by the way, if any of you readers out there know where a copy can be had, contact Danny or me at our respective e-mails): Moonwalker, the 1988 Michael Jackson spectacular! This historical work of cinematic art far surpasses all other selections in our "this movie is tripe" category of movies. And think, for all these years this movie has been upstairs in my mom's cabinet, and I unknowing of its glory.The intro on the back cover: __ "Prepare yourself for an adventure unlike any you have ever seen or heard. A magical, musical journey into the world of Michael Jackson, MOONWALKER is a feature-length extravaganza that will take you to the next dimension of pecial effects and thrill you with the mos spectacular song and dance productions ever filmed." Ohhhh yeeeeeahh... Allow me to give you some highlights: __ "Man in the Mirror" is a segment that shows Michael Jackson -- wait, The King of Pop would like us to call him "MJ" -- singing in front of a gigantic crowd full of screaming people and fainting girls. As the song progresses there are clips of the good people flashing by on the screen: Gandhi, Mother Teresa, ex-presidents, and the like. Wow. We are left breathless. Is this a visual commentary on how one person can change the world? No, no, Danny and I turn to each other, full of the magnificent realization that Gandhi and Mother Teresa never existed--they were merely Michael Jackson in costume. We were not worthy to bask in the glow. I fell to my knees in worship as Danny followed the example of the girls on stage by squealing and fainting. Oh Michael, how good you were to disguise your deeds behind masks of old people. __ Next is a segment called "A Retrospective of 24 Years of Hits". This segment is self explanatory, as it trails MJ's career from his sweet beginnings in the Jackson Five up to modern day (or modern day as it was in 1988). All I have to say is: HA HA his brother's suck, THEY don't have their own movies! Man I love The Jackson Five. __ "Badder", however, was just too cool. It was the Bad music video done with child actors. The kid representing MJ ruled all--he dances Michael's moves better than Danny (and Danny does it very well--btw, did you all know that Danny took a Learn-to-dance-like-MJ course in his younger years? He demonstrated the half-lost knowledge. Yes, oh readers, The Puuba King can groove.). __ "Speed Demon" shows MJ escaping from some wild looking fans. This part's way cool cause it uses claymation. Michael Jackson dons a disguise and chooses to be animated as a way smooth, way hip... bunny rabbit. Of all things. He could be a tiger or a wolf or a hedgehog or something, but no, he's a bunny of all things. Well, maybe he's a jackrabbit, that's pretty tough. Danny's comment: "Yeah, but that's pretty representative of Michael Jackson." And in the end, I had to agree. The bunny (who's name, by the way, turns out to be Spike) is damn cool, especially when he takes on a life of his own and starts dancing with MJ (the bunny dances better than Danny too.). __ Next is "Leave Me Alone", MJ's commentary about being hounded by the media. This part's half animated, and offers a touching metaphor about MJ's struggle to free himself from the media circus. *sniff... I cried, shouting "Michael's free! He's free Danny! Look!" And Danny and I tearfully rejoiced, unknowingly about to be led into a gripping adventure, the centerpiece of this film, known as: __ "Smooth Criminal". Even the name gives me chills. This is based on a story written by MJ himself, as one may or may not be able to tell. Truthfully, it seems like something a child might right, full of random things and happy endings. Here I will try to recreate the story as I imagine it was originally written. *ahem*: __ Me and my friends were playing and then our dog that we were playing with ran away and me and Katie went to find the dog cause he ran away and then we were in a scary forrest with cobwebs and stuff and then we found a big scary spider that wasn't a spider it was a special button that led us into a secret layer and Katie was scared but then I said that she didn't hafta be afraid and we went into the scary lair (by the way, Danny and I were commenting how Michael definitely should not have led the girl into the scary place because it is obviously not OK to bring a little girl into a potentially dangerous situation. We were also making comments like this: "Michael I'm scared" "Don't be scared Katie, hold on to me tight. Oh yeah, Katie, just like that." "Wow Michael, your hand is really hard." "Tee hee". But we do not make these jokes because of Michael's tarnished reputation, we would make such comments about any adult leading a child into a dark secluded area... Alright, maybe we wouldn't, but these jokes are irresistible, however shameful.) and the layer belongs to Mr. Big (played by Joe Pesci) who wants to take over the world by getting kids hooked on drugs cause he's the evil bad villain guy. So then we travel into another world, and then I'm being chased by Mr. Big and his henchmen and they all have super strong armor. But then I see a shooting star and I make a wish to turn into a super car and I do, and I have rocket power and I'm flying past Mr. Big and his henchmen and I make a fire and get away and their guns can't hurt me (me and Danny are wondering why no one in the city is complaining about the gun noises and the shouting and the fire) cause I'm better. And then I'm in an old saloon and dancing and then I'm killing all the bad guys (once again, love MJ's dancing, however, we have found another flaw in the movie. Drugs are bad, so then killing is good? --we here at Puuba.com advocate neither-- I mean, sure they are bad guys, but did MJ ever stop to think that those soldiers were merely innocent pawns in Mr. Big's game? I'm willing to assume that they had no desire to get kids hooked on drugs, but needed to make enough money to support their families. Perhaps Mr. Big offered to spare the lives of his soldier's children, thereby guaranteeing a competitive edge for their futures. Psh! Thanks MJ, by killing off those men, you've alienated a large group of children from the necessary influence of their fathers. A large number of those children may turn out to be sociopaths. Oh wait, YOU don't like fathers, do you Michael??? --oh dammit, that was vicious and uncalled for. I apologize. MJ fans out there, I apologize for that mean spirited jab at MJ's unsettled past, and I'm sure that he himself is an excellent father, so long as he doesn't accidentally get killed by the same sort of self-righteous blind follower of dogma that he plays in this segment. --Once again, we here at Puuba.com do not advocate the usage of potentially addictive illegal substances, and furthermore, I, Jenny, the author of this article, often kill those who disagree with me, although we here at Puuba.com do not advocate such activities-- shit this is a long insert.). Then they kidnap Katie and I have to go and save her and I'm surrounded by Mr. Big's men and they're being mean and Mr. Big is hitting Katie and about to make her take drugs and I'm on the floor cause they hit me but then Katie gets away from Mr. Big and there's another shooting star so I turn into a robot and kill all the bad guys (with his cockrocket) but Mr. Big gets away and tries to kill me (sitting in his blastamahwanger, yes, that's right, big powerful dick-like thing) but in the end I win, cause I'm the good guy, and Katie's rescued, and so we all go back to the real world where there are cops and they found our dog. ~fin~ Ahh such a masterpiece. __ Next, Michael Jackson performs his version of The Beatles' song "Come Together". I like the Beatles. It's pretty cool. That's all. __ Then there's a series of clips with a song performed by Ladysmith Black Mombazo called "The Moon is Walking" playing in the background while film credits roll up the screen. __ That is the end of the movie, and Danny and I are left content. __ So, readers, I implore you to GO OUT AND GET THIS MOVIE RIGHT NOW! __ Also, once again, if any of you have access to Mr. T's Be Somebody Or Be Somebody's Fool, we would greatly appreciate it if you could hook us up. By Jenny
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Link Back Links Writer(s) |
 Danny's weekly video game column. Culture, history, gameplay, tech, and dick jokes. Funny, if you're a dorkmo. |
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