Star Wars Episode Three:
A Review From the Future

I dont really know what any of this crap is.

     We here at Puuba believe in the future. Right here, right now, I plan to do the first ever review in advance. The review will also be done right here, right tommorow. But, that's for me to find out later.
     Our first victim: Star Wars Episode Three: Title Unanounced.

I am such a fraud.

     To begin, I do feel the need to sum up my own past experience with the Star Wars series. You know, to prove that I'm a dork. I was actually one of the last people on our planet to see the first Star Wars movie, waiting until the fateful year 1995. In this important year, I learned to kiss on a pillow. I also learned the truth about Star Wars. This movie, in and of itself, convinced me that our human race was doomed. No-one could ever possibly be smart enough to counteract that much stupid. So, Evolution, thanks for making us master race and everything, even if I do feel like I kinda got fucked out of a grasping tail or a beak. All in all, I think I give existence a Nine. At least an Eight. But the novel always is better than the real thing.

     Now, however, George Lucas has released another. Just like the caterpillars in Super Mario World, to hit him is only to make him stronger. Faster. Slightly more red in the face. And nothing can stop a caterpillar. Nothing but a cliff.
      First of all, I am sorry to say, this is easily the most third movie in the series. No other Star Wars movie has ever been this third. I mean, the last one was kinda third, but this one, this is the third. Thirdness aside, the movie will have at least three main faults that I can see.
     No sex, no porn, no bodacious tits.

Now I'm back on my home turf.

     It is rumored across the web that young Anakin may have a child. Some sources say that the child will be Jar Jar Biggs, while others mention only that I am a f49907. It seems we may have to wait a few years to have the truth. Another rumor is that of the existance of an second evil JarJar clone. This one, I can debunk right now. Having already seen the second Star Wars movie, I can without doubt tell you that this man has died already. And ghosts can't just act in Sci-Fi. They can also make clay pots.
     Insider rings speculate that George Lucas will actually make a cameo in this latest film as the beloved Jabba the Hut, but we have to keep our guards up. Cuz as Jabba always says, "Etumalibii Caumuu et ha botu6uu, Solo."
     Strangely enough, this is precisely the same way the man who fell three thousand feet from a plane without his parachute described his own harrowing experience. In addition, he had to tack on, "2I", and dribble snot into a Dixie cup.

If every door is marked by a bright shining light, and if every room is brighter than the last, which room is it that makes Squall go blind? Or ignites his whole face?

     All in all, I still have actually to watch this movie. And, I think, in most parts of the country, they still even have to film it.
     In my opinion, that makes this review just all the more amazing. If I could transform into a SuperHuman Samurai CyberSquad, this'd be the time I'd try it. But, since I cannot play the guitar, I guess I'll just stop here. So concludes the almost-review of the almost-movie Star Wars Episode three. Before I'm really done, I'd like to thank the industry. Thank you. For turning Jason Vorhees into Super Shredder Two. I'm sure the turtles hate your guts.


By Danny