Bubble Bobble

So cute and bubbly.

     Bubble Bobble. The title screen says it all. "A fantastic journey. . ." One through the cracked out minds of an eighties programmer broke one too many veins. Bubble Bobble's funny like that. Its kinda like a retarded four year old wrote it. Blindfolded. With Sean Connery up his butt. Anything that pops into your head works. First, Bub and Bob turn into dinosaurs. Then, ummm, they get sent to Monster-Land. After that. . . a huge elf comes. And he kidnaps their girlfriends. And tentacle rapes them. To death. . . Oh yea, the combo of eighties music, cocaine, and Gary Coleman cartoons works wonders on the adolescent brain. Its just too bad that it resulted in this trash. Damn it, Nintendo: This is Survivor, and I'm voting you off my island.

     Now, my friends and I have this thing called DBZ Logic. Its basically when there IS no logic. Well, let me tell you: this game friggin created Nintendo Logic. You can jump up through the ground, but then it's solid when you're standing on it. You can hop on giant snot balls and little gremlins throw bottles at you. And when you die, you just start doing cartwheels until you turn into a shiny thing. Unless you're a bad guy; then you turn into my lunch.

     Now, I know that this is a kids game, but are snot bubbles really a "super power"? All heroes need a super power. . . but, snot bubbles? That's like saying that you or I have super powers. We just. . . forget. For example, I can trip over my own feet and pretend to play trombone. Maybe you can fit your penis onto a lawnmower. You just forget. If a huge elf came at you with a shotgun, you'd be so afraid you'd probably totally forget to air trombone. Also, you probably wouldn't cut any pubic lawns. See? Forgot two super powers already. Some Super Hero you are. What? Dumb Numnuts aka Dim Dimwit? And, ok; I lied. My tromboning blows.

     Now, the levels of Bubble Bobble are simple. First, don't touch the other little monsters. They will kill you if you do. They're made of death. Jump on your snot to reach higher planes. Then, shoot a snot bubble at the enemy. If they get caught, stomp on them until they die. Their brains'll turn into an apple. Careful if you don't. Near death experiences make monsters really really pissy! But, probably, so does eating their corpse. Oh well. In the words of the Thundercats, "Bonus points! Ho! HO! Hooooooe!!"

Protip: Look up, dumbshit.

     This may seem monotonous, but there is a goal. One hundred levels of phlegm later, you finally meet the boss. Not the brightest boss. Now, when you're the main bad guy, you have to put some thought into it. This huge bug-eyed gremlin thing is way too big to be put into a tiny dino booger cage. There should be no way that our heroes can touch him. Then, this idiot goes and chooses to live in the room with his one true weakness. The lightning super killer juice. The one weapon that can hurt him. Now, all I have to do is pop the top, watch lightning rain down, and fry his ass with a coke. If the guy would move just one room away, the guys would be screwed. Either surrender or get killed, and then surrender. Simple rule: If you know you have only one weakness, don't split the rent and make it your neighbor. Wood Man doesn't live in a paper mill, and Ninja Man doesn't live on an anti-ninja laser gun! Follow the examples that the future has set before you! Move to Level Twenty-Three, or Level UnderWater Base. Better yet, level one! Kill em before they know what hit 'em! All I'm saying is, if you're gunna have an army of thugs and 100 levels to defend you, don't aim your handgun at the seam of your crotch. If you take the challenge out of beating you up, next time you'll kill the world all alone.

     Just don't use the code. One-hundred more levels of mind-numbing, nut clenching, cutesy, crusty fun. Don't lose your mind. If you're an average player, you may not survive. If you're really good, you play too much. If you're Jimmy Hendrix, give yourself a hand. Your rock helped inspire a nation.

I, uh, have no comment.

By Danny

Related Puuba Trash

Back To Video Games

"N.A.R.C."

"Or Maybe Drugs Are Bad"