Mighty

Turn on Mighty Bomb Jack; transport yourself to a world of mystery, intrigue, and. . . might!      Mighty Bomb Jack was never my favorite game. In fact, Mighty Bomb Jack is to other Nintendo games what a kick to the groin is to dancing. . . It sucks.      I used to take this game to school with me back in the day. The other kids would throw rocks at it and pee in its coke at lunch. I can't remember a day Mighty Bomb Jack didn't come home crying. . .      Poor guy.	Welcome to AssholeVille. Population: You.
Hand drawn hero, to protect you from the graphics of the real thing.	Unlike most video games, Mighty Bomb Jack didn't have any hero. Instead, it had Bomb Jack. Mighty Bomb Jack couldn't fly, or shoot heat rays, or even destroy planets. The only thing Mighty Bomb Jack can do is jump really high. Kinda impressive, but hardly a substitute for an attack.      Then again, who needs super strength when you can jog? And who needs to fly when you can jump? I'll tell you who. Mighty Bomb Jack.      Neither "mighty" nor "bomb" accurately describe this alleged "hero". With weapons like these, Migthy Bomb Jack may just have well have been called "Super Duper Pajama Man with Cape". Fuck, I bet Bomb Jack didn't even have a real cape. He probably just cut up his mom's bed sheets and wrapped them around his neck. That's what I used to do. . .
As for bad guys, this game still sucks more penis than all others combined. There aren't any aliens, robots, or Super Powered Mech Demons from Planet Z.      There's one flying turtle, one floating face, and about a trillion stupid mummies. (On another note, I would just like to point out that the number "one trillion" can also be represented by the abbreviation 'KKK', and that all mathameticians are racists.) Plus, unlike most games, which at least have the stupid enemies make some sense, can anyone tell me why the lobsters fly and the parrots can only jump?? God damn, why not make the mummies fart you to death??      Just jump from platform to platform and you'll usually get somewhere. You’ll eventually run into dangerous obstacles such as spikes and floating lines of fire. That is to say, you will see little sections of fire just floating in midair. Damn, those Egyptians were clever builders! Imagine how many slaves were used to get the fire to float like that.      The main boss of this game's name is "Belzebut". His plots, beyond jumping back and forth and trying to bump you, of course, also include exposing all the youth of America to the word "butt". And misspell himself at the same time!! Belzebut was some kinda wizard/ghost/alien something. I dunno; I can't bring myself to beat this game. Too damn long.	Flying fire, yet still no guns. . .
Wow! The mummy narrates so weirdly! Weird! Weird! And my hero looks like a faggot!	If before you dress, you Caress, you're a wanker.
In reality, there's really only one way to actually beat Mighty Bomb Jack. First, turn on the game. Step two, back up across the room. Finally, build a time machine and go forward into the future, to when super-evolved humanoids from both outer space and the future have taken over our planet. Find the biggest, strongest, most lethal sentient-computer bot you can, and use its bionically enlarged foot to kick this game's ass for you.      No real strategy can triumph over pure evil.	Don't be silly! This whole game is torture!! And it never ends. . .