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A Boy and His Blob
I think one of the first games I ever bought for my Nintendo was A Boy and His Blob. I also think the first game I ever bought starring a walking booger was A Boy and His Blob.
Coincidence? I think not. Boogers friggin rule.
Now, the creator of A Boy and his Blob is David Crane. And I know this because David Crane is the bravest man I know. And I know this because David Crane put his name on his game. And that takes a hero. Cuz knowing. . . is half the battle. The other half is a fire-bomb! |
New Great Taste!
Assuming you like the taste of urine. . . |
Alien sez: "Mai fayverit is marshmelow!!" |
Now, before we begin, you have to understand. A Boy and His Blob is no clever metaphor for any subtler main role. No preteen coming of age story. No woman, finally finding what it takes to survive in the real world of law. No thing more fun than watching my dog die. Boy. Blob.
A Boy and his Blob actually stars. . . a boy. . . and his blob. This blob is a super-evolved creature from the planet Blobolonia. Apparently, we have for years been wrong in our intergalactic beliefs. Aliens are, in fact, not super-intelligent vampire zombies. They are, in fact, rubber cement with a diatary illness. My "At-Home SETI Space Wave Interpreter" is, in fact, crap. And I am, in fact, crying right now.
In this "game", you play the role of Boy, the one man able to save the planet Blobolonia from the evil king commanding it. You control your pet Blob via two means: whistling, and jellybeans. The jellybeans transform the Blob into multiple tools for use on your journey. The whistling, however, gets you slapped by street whores. |
You begin your epic in front of your house. You then proceed to the sewer. After the sewer, however, I'm not sure where you go. I kept using the "hole" technique and falling to my death through an endless dungeon. If you use the rocket, you can go to Blobolonia! People there are made of candy!!
(Puuba.com would like to take this moment to solemnly swear that none of this crazy-ass review is fabricated in any way. And we are fully sane. And Danny does love the women.)
Progressing in A Boy and His Blob is actually much easier than it appears. First, feed your blob every type of bean you have. Next, try that in every different place in the game. Then, if you find something that works, call me and tell me. I hate this game.
According to Gamefaqs.com, there is somewhere a boss to this game, and somewhere a weapon to fight him with. According to my Game Genie, even ancient Persians refuse to help my cause. According to me, there is only one true way to experience a day in the life of a Boy.
1. Get a huge version of the "Don't Break the Ice" boardgame.
2. Inject a syringe of Crack Cocaine directly into your left eyeball, making sure to jiggle the needle thouroughly before you pull it out.
3. Punch hole after hole into the floor you are standing on and hop from tile to tile. Repeat this process until the ground gives way and you plummet to the floor below.
4. Land on your head and immediately proceed to die.
5. Be sure to avoid the albino caterpillar on your way to hell. Also, don't hit my car. |
Remember kids, these blobs are trained professional Ninja's, so please don't try projectile vomiting acid at home or you'll end up melting someone's eye out or something.
And just one quick comment about my day, You CANNOT honk if you are on the wrong side of the road! Its just not allowed! The only time you are allowed to honk when on the wrong side of the road is to signal another driver: "Hey! Your side of the road is exploding! Look out!" To which they would honk back, "Thanks! You're a savior!" And you honk, "Not really! I'm doing it with my horn!" And yes, all of this can be said with horns.
And a note, "exploding" can be substituted by "made entirely out of electric manatee". |
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I'm sorry. Our expensive Asian whores are busy rolling around in our cheap Mexican heroin. Come back later? |
As for graphics, you start next to a house. I think. It could just be a giant rocket in the shape of a house, with little seeds inside in the shape of a family. Your pet is a blob. But it could just be a giant golf ball that likes to eat things and push you off cliffs. The catapillars, on the other hand, look like. . . fun!
The music in this game could just as easily have been made by a team of deaf retards crapping on keyboards. I'd say they do a pretty good job considering they can't hear the music, but that only means that they had to spend hundreds of extra hours putting this lame game together. And just like when Abu touched the emerald and damned Aladdin to stay in the Cave of Wonder forever, that's just depressing. If Final Fantasys are an aural blowjob, this game was the hang-nailed, callused handjob of a pirate. They play too rough. |
I bet if I fed David Crane to a blob, I know what he'd make. . .
A very happy me.
I honestly can't find a single reason why my Nintendo hasn't forcibly regurgitated this monstrosity out of its own digital digestive system. I was having a good day until now. I was walking through the park. Then came this game. I feel like I tripped and fell into a giant asshole.
Its so dark. . . |
Bubble gum = Ritual Suicide! |
By Danny
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 Danny's weekly video game column. Culture, history, gameplay, tech, and dick jokes. Funny, if you're a dorkmo.
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