A Beginners Guide to DDR

This is actually much better than my old addiction. Crack.

     Dance Dance Revolution, Konami's new PowerPad rip-off and my new secret addiction, has hit the arcades. The premise of the game is simple: "You don't know how to dance, but the computer does. So do what it says. Even if it says to kill". It might be a revolution, but Mao Tze-Tung would not approve. Arrows light up on the screen and you have to follow the steps. On trick mode, you may have to use your hands too. On easy mode, I'm still a white Jew. Between levels of games this hard, it's important to give the player inspiration to keep them from taking out the cartridge. To keep me playing this game, I might need a blowjob. The machine never gives me one. Once you defeat your opponent, Rita Repulsa curses you and shoots her staff to Earth to create a super hyper crazy rival. Then, you go to level two. I never get that far.

Look! Boobs! Seizures. They aren't just for the retarded anymore.

     The music on this game is actually worth mentioning. This, along with two other CDs, are the only game sound tracks worth owning. Those two CDs, of course, are Killer Instinct and Killer Instinct. No one busts a better move than Jago. No one but me. Lemme reccommend "Paranoia" -- That song's been stuck in my head for weeks. These songs don't suck.
     But that does not mean that a game should be based on it! Basing a game on an temporary fad, like raving, just isn't a good idea. You're only going to fool stupids into playing it for a little while before they throw it out with the Pokemon scuba suit and the Tamagachi knit sweater. Now, if you really want to make a bad virtua-game, you gotta base it on a fad with some staying power, man! Fatal Auto-Immune Deficiency Syndrome has been sweeping the nation for decades now, and a game cashing in on the gay man's STD craze would have been just as fun as awful dancing! AIDS isn't going away any time soon either. Decades or centuries from now, kids can still go to Toys 'R' Us and find their favorite "Super AIDS Blaster 3000" title. "Wow, mom! Uncle Ted died from this very same disease!! This is a game the entire family can play!" And it is.
     Bad dancing, however, is a disease only I can die from. And I want to end it all.

The real elec man does not approve.

     In my opinion, Dance Dance Revolution is just one more step toward the total virtual realitification of our arcades. Alpine Racer, I could handle. I used to ski and its even easier when there isn't any snow, speed, or skill. That river boat tube game was okay, except for its inherent evil intent. I've never had such nasty blisters in my life. That new Beach Head game freakin rocks.
     I have two theories about the future of the arcade industry.
     1) Entire arcades will become solely VR based. We will have compu-technic chips inserted into each of our spines and slowly be converted into mindless cyborgs. We will then each of us attack one left-over stronghold city systematically one at a time until either the human forces give up or John Connor manages to destroy our master bot. After that, we will each be encapsulated in giant metal balls and be forced to play in giant games of deadly pinball.
     (God, I loved that "Are You Afraid of the Dark".)
     2) The arcades will have become so realistic that we will now just pay to play in our city parks and swings. VR Curly-Slide 3000 will be the most saught after game in Golf 'n Stuff. Kids won't be so fat.

Even Regis digs the ass.

     If you want my overall opinion, I just find this arcade machine depressing. Last week, one kid came up to the machine with two Asian lackies, fully decked in a full length blue dragon robe and flowing black hair. If he wasn't such a doofus, he could've been a wizard. After the two younger punkins ceremoniously removed his holy garb, the kid then proceeded to perform an entire difficult trick track on his hands, facing the wrong way. My and Derek's subsequent performance of the "Mary Had a Little Lamb Remix" recieved almost comparable applause, but still a 'FAIL' from the machine itself.
     Stupid video machines. What do they know about hip-hop?
     All in all, I find this machine to be the complete and utter downfall of man. Just like the Macarena, first it will capture our hearts, and then our baseball games. Damnit DDR, yet another secret obssession has ruined my will to live. You took all the "secial" out of my "special". . . Leaving me with nothing but pee.


By Danny