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Aah, yes. Super Dodge Ball. The only game in history to actually greet you with its own little mascot. Come on. What other game was nice enough to say "hi" to you even after seven years of being left on a closet floor in the dark? Not Mario, the bastard. . .
Feel happy now? You made their friends cry. . . |
Super Dodge Ball is the story of one team of all American good ol' boys and their quest to exterminate all athletes world wide. Sam (or as I call him, "The Destroyer of Worlds) and his crew travel from country to country, not only beating opponents, but killing them. Just like on the playground! Except instead of making friends, they make friends dead! And after all, who doesn't strike a smile at the disembodied spirit of an old friend? . . .Or maybe this game is the reason we have all these school shootings lately. . . Go figure.
Protip: Bundle up! Even atheletes can catch cold! |
In any case, first up is Team USA. No sweat, kill off your countrymen and move on. Next, we have Team Iceland. Kill the eskimo menace, but careful of the ice. Slip and you'll hurt yourself, my boy. And when you're done, enjoy the penguin post game show! Yeeaaaaa Team!
Protip: Don't stare too hard at the background. It is a buttface. Watch the game. |
And onto Team China. Team China is one of your harder foes, if only for the distraction in the background. Stay focused. After Team China bites the dust, move on to visit Taja and his Team Kenya. This is the single hardest level. Because of the sand floor, it is almost impossible to do any super moves. Sucks to be you. . . Now, if only the floor were quicksand. Then, we'd have a match. . .
Protip: Be sure to throw the ball at the side line men. It may not do any damage, but it sure relieves game time stress!
Protip:Don't stare too hard at your TV. Atheletes get sick easy. |
And finally, after destroying Team Commie, the truth is revealed. This whole game is a cruel alien plan, designed to wipe all resistance off Planet Earth. And you are next! Fortunately, your evil super clones don't play dodgeball. All they can do is warp colors like an acid trip gone wrong. Outer Limits, man. Whoa. No skills; just kick their ass and end the game.
You killed your opponents, saved the earth, and even made the school paper. And everyone knows: Never to play dodgeball with you again. . .
Go Team USA.
By Danny
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Brother/Sister/LifePartner Things
 Danny's weekly video game column. Culture, history, gameplay, tech, and dick jokes. Funny, if you're a dorkmo.
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