Double Dragon

	Double Dragon used to be my favorite game in the friggin world! It preceded Final Fight, Streets of Fury, and Battletoads. Hell, once they kicked Battletoads' asses! Not just anyone can squish a frog. Oh yea. The dragon's were clutch.      There were the blue one and the pink one. They never had names. I just like to call them Asslick and Superfly. I think it brings out their true manliness. In any case, Asslick and Superfly only had two moves. Punch and kick. They were both the same - same range and same damage, with only one exception. Kicks use your feet. And only Dragons have feet. You could also charge up and do a spinning kick, ala Ryu. But you had to be careful. If you charged up for too long, you turned into Sloth from The Goonies. "Hey you Guuuuueyzz."      And only a real man could wear hot pink and be named Superfly. The eighties rocked.
The bad guys in Double Dragon are a lot like those in other early side scrollers. You'll come across many copies of the same baddie, all of whom look the same and have the same name. Its genetic engineering, but with out the duel-scrotum side effects. The guys have pretty much the same attacks as the dragons, only they don't do them as well. They fall over a lot and stumble over their own feet. Its kinda like when your little brother tries to imitate the rock, but ends up getting his penis caught in the fan again. A valiant effort, with little result. But remember, enemies dressed in suits are always harder; only ninjas can afford Armani.      The boss at the end of each level is just a normal guy, but with about five times more health than anybody else. This raises a quesion. If the mad scientists responsible for these enemies can do it to one guy, why not them all? Pussies. . .      And as always, you lose the ability to walk any further until you've managed knock out everyone within your sight. Then, Asslick and Superfly get a hallucination of a flashing "go" sign. Ninjas love acid.	Above: He may not have been in the game, but he was in the cartoon. Scary, huh? Don't look at me like that. . . Below: Ryan's from River City Ransom. And he's hitting someone with his can! Get it?! Like a butt! Ha! Asshole.
Laying the smack down on, Could these be. . . zombies?	As for weapons, Double Dragon was the first game cool enough to include usable weapons. At least, that I remember. The rocks and knives were okay, but what I really loved were the nunchuks. No one attacked when Asslick had the nunchuks. The nunchuks were deadly. They shot through schools. Unfortunately, weapons were all you could pick up. That and food. Unlike Final Fight or Streets of Fury, no one ever hid diamonds or sextoys in barrels in Double Dragon. This game never kept track of your points; you either finish it or you find something more fun to do. If you want to score higher points in Double Dragon, play it on a trampoline. That gets extra points in my book. If you want to earn more fun, however, press the power button. The playstation's that way.      Of course, only do that if you like a bigger challenge, like me! I like a bigger challenge in everything. I have myself kicked in the balls while playing for the challenge. And cuz it hurts good. Grrr.
The Nintendo Logic in the game's pretty sweet, though. When people die, they flash for a few seconds then disappear into thin air. They never bleed though. Wouldn't it be better if they just died? Or better yet, grew tits, and then died!      Like Final Fight, roast chicken can be found freshly cooked in oil barrels left on the streets. When you pick up some roast chicken, it gets absorbed by your body through the skin. Just look at your health bar if you don't believe me. Heretic. I dunno, but if it were me, I wouldn't trust the chicken hiding in barrels deep in the enemy base. Rats don't fall for traps like cheese hidden on sharks made of explosive acid. Are we stupider than rats?	Hagar's one hot fucker. Who cares what game he's from? He can BREAK you.
And you win. I still never found the other fucking girlfriend. And my ass is numb from playing.	In the end though, Double Dragon was still the best game this side of the Missouri. Red necks got some awesome games. "New Martial Arts! New hidden missions!" That's what the box says. But damned if I can find one hidden mission. I hate false advertising. As for whoever wrote this box, there are not enough feet in the world to kick this guy's ass as much as he needs.      But as for the game, if a sneeze is one seventh the way to an orgasm, this game is a least a sneeze and a half.