Genesis Termination
AKA: Sonic Under Fire

     Now I hear that Sonic games will be produced more for the X-Box. We need this like we need a hole in the sack. Millions of spikey rodents racing through the streets. What will the farmers say? Common poison doesn't kill super mice!!! And now, to add misery to misery, this god forsaken system has actually put out a Sonic the Hedgehog comic.
     On a scale of one to ten, I would rather read the pimpled braille off an old man's ass than read this trash.
     Not that I'd like to do either. . .

Puuba.com is sure. "Asstricks" absolutely should have been a porno game.

     Now, recently, my Genesis has begun to smoke and scream. And by that, I certainly don't mean that it just stopped working and I just got a PS2. It. . . it's definitely possesed, okay?

     And so, gather round for the exorcism of my Sega Genesis. Hey, if Segas can withstand fire, maybe we can still play it when we're done. I hear Golden Axe doesn't even suck! Unfortunately, if Segas don't burn, Sega has now become a military arms company, and your world is now being run by hedgehogs.
     And Mario's being hunted for his pelt.

Using detailed and professional tips from the Puuba messageboard, here is the setup: 1. Genesis opened up and four closed Binacca tubes placed in. Gas powered Sonic smasher - invented NOW! 2. Entire system painted in white out, then sprayed with a thick layer of hair spray love. I didn't know if Segas could burn, so I wanted to make sure. This combination combined created what I like to think of as the "Skin of Flaming Death". It feels like Cabbage Patch, but explodes when you touch it. Note the streak of nail polish, for that prettier, slightly more homo shard of flaming death.

Yeaa!!! Bish!!

3. One firework placed into the game port. First I tried playing the firework on a TV, but all the system did was output a series of screams and cries. When I finally lit the fuse, the words "Game Over" appeared on my TV. Followed by an image of a giant middle finger. Bastard. 4. Jean Luc Picard bravely stands guard to protect the area. Conveniently spray painted with green paint primer, for that wild, "jungle" feel. And cuz primer burns. 5. Lots and lots of alcohol love. Pyro aid of rednecks everywhere.

Jean Luc acted as acting Fire Safety Inspector for the day, to make sure everything went as planned. Neighborhood in danger? CHECK!

Puuba.com would like to take this chance to tell the audience just how bad an idea this day is. Never try this alone at home.    Whereas most men would feign confidence and act all suave, I trip over myself trying to convince you even that I'm only human. (Only the advanced blood tests would reveal that I'm also a powerful Jedi.)      Now, if I have learned anything from Sega, it is to expect the unexpected. . . .And crap.      When I light this, I fully expect a gargoyle to shit on my face and put out my fire. If I can still walk, I'll then fly away to the sun. To meet the Powerpuff Girls.      So, here we go. We're ready to start. I really don't expect to finish this alive. Please miss me. Please tell your friends. Please don't reanimate my corpse and make me work for a zombie government agency after I'm dead.

The fire started fairly slowly. Starting at the militarily planned out and strategically placed "Jean's Crotch" starting point, the fire quickly spread across the entire surface of the system's skin and went directly for the game port hole.      For moments, the fire actually disappeared and all hope for the future was lost. Then, however, flames started spewing from the top of the Sega, like some tiny, flame-spewing volcano, only less dangerous, and probably more stinky.

I really think green is his color.

Five minutes later, it was still burning. I have no idea why. Alien psycho waves?

Moments later, fire columns shot out of the side of the system, possibly from the Binacca, though more likely from my own hope and will. At some point now, Jean Luc met his own fate, falling into the pit, and being lost forever. The original plan was for Jean to kick the Sega in the balls if it happened to get out of control. If, by some off chance, the system turned out to have no balls, he would then go to the store for clip-on balls, and then complete the task. Unfortunately, he was too late for either plan. And far too on fire.

Throughout the carnage, two Binacca "flame thrower" explosions occurred from either side. Due to Danny's own cowardess and gimpitude, the pictures were never caught. Experts, however, testify that the scene may have looked like this. ----------------------------->

     Just when I thought the fire was out, a new explosion happened again. Some people may think that this was the water balloon of gas I put into it, but I have different ideas.
     Could other species actually have hated this system so much that they teleported fire through dimensions, and into my Sega?
     Alf would have.
     Can you beam down carnage?

Danny's Sega RIP