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D-d-d-do you have it?
Nickeloeon GUTS
When I was a about twelve, I had the hugest crush on Moira Quirk. I thought she was the coolest. You know, Moira Quirk, from Nickelodeon GUTS. You may remember her from such things as cartoon voicework or fading into obscurity. One day, I plan to have a framed autograph on my wall. I'm really not sure if I'm joking or not. I also want her to ref a gameshow in my house. Ref a gameshow: married, mother, and naked. I'm really not sure if I'm joking or not.
For decades now, I've been obsessed with the TV show Nickelodeon GUTS. Easily the most hardcore show in the era where everyone wins; three kids compete in four elastic cord stunts, they all race up a rock climbing wall, and the winner gets a huge foam piece of a big fake mountain. They recently brought the show back, on Nickelodeon GAS, and I am just as obsessed with it. Dorky comp-sci student I am, this is the ONLY sport I watch on TV.
Also... Moira Quirck is awesome.
Awesome.
The GUTS video game has, inarguably, the best opening of anything. Creation, a movie, or that pop you hear when you open a bag of chips. This has a theme song remixer. Each button plays a different syllable. You can say everything from, "D-d-d-Do you have it?" to "Have you guts! It have you!". I spent damn near ten minutes playing with this before I ever got to actual game play.
As large a group as this may be, anyone who's ever watched GUTS with me knows that I ALWAYS root for one person to lose. I don't care who wins; I want someone to fail. The kid in Purple is always black, in my opinion, and there's always one kid who looks like John Connor. Either the haircut was in, or Robo-army training is childish, but there was always one John Connor.
For my first playthrough of this game, I picked three kids. You get to name them, pick faces, and everything. There are seven girls and two boys. My theory is that this is to compensate for boys being better than girls. My girlfriend's theory is that I'm not getting laid tonight.
The blue kid is "John Connor". Red is a girl named "Vagina". "Blackerton" in purple. Unfortunate names abound in 1994.
My first event is Basic Training. It's a kind of obstacle course and race thing. To be honest, this is a used game, and it took me five minutes to even figure out how to jump. Though I don't recall any child deaths on Nickelodeon, there's a life bar shown in this event. I originally took this as a challenge, but the only way to get hurt is to intentionally run into a wall. Years of bitter wartorn life and the only way out is to break your nose on a wall. John Connor has had a tough, tough life.
I got to the fifth jump in the course before getting stuck again. My jump was just not far enough to cross the foam based gap. It took me another eternity-of-humming-Guts before I found a second jump button. There is a Super Jump button. Why any kid ever needed to be able to super jump is beyond me. Where they learned it astounds me. Clearly, John Connor is a robot as well, masquerading as innocent.
Connor took first, Blackerton took second, and Vagina never finished the race. I may have walked away for pizza. Moira Quirk is a stickler for no pizza in the arena.
Second event is some sort of football throwing... thing. Moira Quirk was in the background, so I may have been distracted. Again, after three or so minutes to figure out controls, I figure out: down to charge, up to jump, Y to toss some sort of booger. Three gruelling minutes later, I get my score. Zero. Five minutes on the clock, around seventy picked boogers tossed, and I just got a zero.
Every ten year old in the world just spit into my mouth.
I finally decide to forgo the third and forth event and skip straight to the Agro Crag. Thirty, yes, thirty minutes later. (Two players, seven minutes an event, an era of boredom and pizza per minute.)
In the years since GUTS has been on TV, Mike O'Mally has become cruel and unnice. Unless the kids have enough points, there is no Agro Crag. Be it Mega, or later Ultra, the Crag is swept away. Given how hard most these events are, I doubt I'll ever see the Agro Crag.
To make it up to myself, I confirred with the judges and awarded me with more time on the remixer. About fifteen minutes on the remixer. About fifteen minutes, at 3AM, before my neighbor bangs hard on the wall and yells to "Shut the fuck up".
Nickelodeon GUTS. Future warrior, racial stereotype, girl, or my neighbor...
Sports bring people together.
By Danny
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