Fist of the North Star

Poor Barbie.

     Worst Game Ever.
     First off, I am given three options: One Player, Two Player, and crazy Japa-gibberish. Being a loser, and all alone, I of course spring to the first. After the long scream of endangered eagles dying, which I can only assume was bad eighties techno. And after scraping up my brain and reinserting it to my ear, I am finally greeted by the game. (If you really cared, the greeting was, "Wasup".) And here comes the screen. An 8-bit, skull crushed version of some kind of Neo-Tokyo waar scene. Except, instead of lots of carnage, there is static. And instead of a raging fire, there is some kind of red crap. It is my firm belief that this "crap" is some kind of futuristic tomato sauce, possibly sent here by future pasta aliens from my ass. Probably to steal our justice.

I could punch through God.

     The first thing I notice about this game is the incredible fight system. The A button makes me punch. Not once, but about forty-two times, in rapid succesion. The kick button is the same. So, while waiting for this attack to end, making myself a sandwich, and seeing a movie, I also learned to goatse. You can call me Multi-Man.
     The kicks, as I soon found, made enemies fly away. Kung Foo Style. The punches. . . First, the enemy would shake. Then, he'd start to dance. Then, his whole motherfucking torso exploded!! When I put that live GI Joe up my best friends ass, I was not this fucked up. I could punch through time.

It's really not as bad as you'd think. I wonder if life bars have life bars. . .

     Now, I don't know what planet this game takes place on (Earth), but I do know that planets have gravity. When I pushed up, I could jump as high as I wanted. Not only to the roofs, or to the sky, but OUT OF THIS FREAKIN DIMENSION!! I could jump past the black border of the screen and into the stat bar! You know, where it displays the time and level? I swear to you! I did kick the life bar! Right in the face! Imagine if these programmers got free! We'd all be thrown into the sun!
     Luckily, the creators of this game knew that Ken was invincible and fixed the baddies to compensate. I bet you didn't know this, but only good guys have to walk on the ground. I had guys coming from the windows, the clouds, the sky, and even the invisible cow trains that unload the invisble school cows. . . I think god himself was exploded by one sonic punch. Did these bad guys jump down? No, they just kinda floated there. One guy came walking at me kinda diagonally. When I jumped over him, he just kept walking down, all the way to Hell. I also bumped my head on the ceiling.
     What laws actually exist in this game? None. But one. Me. Judge, jury and executioner. I AM THE LAW!!

He was better in Demolition Man.

     All in all, this game was actually pretty good. If you don't mind being skull-fucked, it could have been outright "good". My life bar never seemed to run out, but I never found a boss or ending either. If these really do balance out, this game could provide a whole eternity of fun! Forever! I'll bet the Afghanis in their work camps are still enjoying this game right now.
     Just like all those girls before. . . First, you land on my head, and then you take a dump. Thank you, Japan in general. I no longer have a soul.


By Danny