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N.E.S. Powerpad
PowerPad.
What the hell is that? You're trying to remember, right? PowerPad? Like a deluxe maxi? Give it a sec.
Then it hits you. It's like you're wearing one of those hippy pyramid hats, knowledge being beamed into your brain from the heavens. Except this pyramid's made of cheese. Like a Wisconsin hat. And seagulls are attacking you for the food. And you're screaming in terror. Like when I was six at Sea World.
Fucking churros. |
Artists Depiction:
Suspect Still at Large. |
Booya, Grandma!! Booya!
PowerPad diet worked for me!
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The PowerPad was the in-home gym for all fat eight year olds and slackers. Except the locker room didn't smell like gay sex. IN fact, in my room, it smelled like M+Ms and urine. Imagine Dance Dance Revolution. Now, take away all the music. . . and the skill.
The PowerPad was a huge roll-out mat with buttons on it. About three games were made for it. To win, all you had to do was stomp back and forth on the buttons a while until you won. Or you could stomp until your downstairs chadelier came crashing down, regardless of the line. Either worked. For a challenge, glue the pad to your ceiling. Or play with your cock! |
The first game for the PowerPad was Olympic World Track. This was a whole olympic season, all packed into one urine soaked cartredge! There was long jump, triple jump, running, an. . .
I forgot what I was going to say, so I just stopped. It probably would have been "penis".
I had penis on the tip of my tongue! |
Howser says: Its in yo' bwain! Ge tit out. |
Quick Side note - My friend's little brother once peed on my Zelda Game. Rather than break it, Link actually got magic powers thanks to it. He could jump, there were bricks, and Link actually grew a back! See, really, that's cool though, cuz until pee, you never saw Link's back. He didn't have one!! No joke!
. . .I'll shut up. |
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Anyway, my favorite mode was the VS Race. In this mode, you raced against progressively harder foes until you won. The first foe was Turtle. Krang and I put the shaft to that shell head. Saiyonara, suckers.
Ahem. . .
The hardest foe was Jaguar. A one man campain for pre-natal lobotomies. For years (at least days), I couldn't beat Jaguar. Finally, about a year ago, I went back and took him. Smacked his ass like a red-headed step child. Biatch! In celebration, I don't think I ever played the game again. There was one more guy after Jaguar.
Fuck. |
Everyone knows, the key to any PowerPad game is cheating. If you couldn't win by running, you got down on your knees and punched the pad instead. Or even better, paid friends to do it. Mario go to hire Yoshi. . .
To make an incredible jump, all you had to do was step off the pad for a while. When you stepped back on, you won. Unless you stayed off the pad too long. Then, the game shot you up into the sky and into the Sun. And not just your character. . . you.
You burn. |
Or maybe you just tripped and fell |
Overall, the PowerPad was like a real gym to me. It was my home-inside-my-home. I skipped P.E. everyday to play. Unlike those other, SKINNY kids, I could race Jaguars! And Turtles! And the other kids never flicked boogers at me. . .
Bastards.
There were two levels of PowerPad gamer. If you raced every day and could high jump the stands, you were hard-core. If you used your hands and cheated all day with friends, you were me. But, if Godzilla hated you, and the other monsters always beat your ass, congratulations.
You are a three headed lizard. |
I love these guys. |
I won the LA Marathon on my PowerPad.
I am so starting a league. . .
I was in a bowling league once. . .
God, I suck. . .
By Danny
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Brother/Sister/LifePartner Things
 Danny's weekly video game column. Culture, history, gameplay, tech, and dick jokes. Funny, if you're a dorkmo.
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