Every guy who used to play NES has his little memento from the day. For some, its their broken turbo controller. For some, their urine-soaked Nintendo, their battered thigh, or their urine-soaked Zelda. All the pissed on stuff is mine. But, I also have something greater. 198X's Official Nintendo Player's Guide.      And, I can write the date like that. Cuz I know Megaman. And I have a keyboard.      The Official Nintendo Player's Guide could be compared to Mr. T's breakfast cereal in the eighties. Or to my own dad's bald head today. Both are commercials for something really big. And stupid. The Official Nintendo Player's Guide was a giant commercial for my own closet. And, to this day, I keep it as a bible, in the drawer right next to my bed.      Official Nintendo Player's Guide contained all the information a player needed to live his day without fear. Fear of zombies. Or the Eggplant Wizard. With the Official Nintendo Player's Guide, I was never afraid of anything.      Not like that one time in Middle School, where Alf made me crap my pants.      With the Official Nintendo Player's Guide, any man can beat any game. And by "beat any game", I mean "get very killed." If by "get very killed", you read "get raped by deer".

Two Satans led by one Lucifer? Maybe Nintendo's confused.

I think you mean, "Hey you guys!!"      One of the best games in this book is Goonies II, but I could never beat that game even with the guide. Gangsters kidnapping mermaids was just a little over the top for me. And if the 'Hey, you guys' Guy wasn't in it, I didn't want it. Luckily, the children in this game get firebombs and rifles. Protip: If you trip and fall, you can shoot yourself through the face. The bonus is turning the game off for the rest of your ever.      And I think they went a bit far on the tips. Maybe a little too obvious. It could just be me, but Mario Brothers seems just as hard to me even if you know you're supposed to use the ground and avoid the fire. Hit the block somewhere in a level somewhere in the world. Wait! Maybe we'll try a combination of left and right, jump and duck! Look out for bad guys, and get the good stuff!! Also, if you're starving in a desert, and fall into a Carl's, eat the fucking sandwich.

Wait. Where's Shamu? Isn't he in this? What about Tupac? Or my ass?? Ninjas don't let other ninjas take it in the rear. Flaming Ninja Midget Sex. Don't leave home without it.      Anyone who needed a guide for Commando was fucking insane. They were probably also blind, deaf, and had bad taste in woman's clothes. Sucks to be losing this game. Sucks to be playing this game! If I liked moving little goobers, and blowing big rocks up, I'd go back to trading radioactive boogers with my friends. Who needs an NES? Commando Protip: The key to getting enemy soldiers to go onto your "rock bombs" is to fill most of the other rocks with one-ups and ammo. That way, only soldiers with real good intuition can storm your base and kill you with your own rail gun.

As opposed to a dildo and a smile. Kinda like my penis. Strapped to dynamite.      Not that I suck or anything, but it took me about eleven years to beat Ghosts and Goblins. Maybe I read really slow, but maybe I'm just really thoughtful. And those ghosts were just too cute to pass up. Just like applesauce. Born to be your enemy. It pours out slowly at first, but then, when you least expect it, slops all over your lap and your dog. And then fires a plasma shot!      By the way, if Nintendo can title its own "Official Nintendo Players Guide", can I pick my own "Official Greatest Ninja"? Last Fathers Day, Max became my "World's Greatest Dad". . .

Behold. The power of cheese. See? Its funny cuz it looks like a penis.      Finally, there are about seventy-five "quick" reviews of seventy-five more games. Mostly ones we've already seen. I don't know about you, but I can't wait for Rad Racer to come out. On a scale of one to five, Zelda got 'penis'. All roads point to penis! Also of quick note is Rob, the robotic toy Nintendo put out for a few short months in the eigties. Apparently, the thing had about three whole games before disappearing. They were all about counting, or reading, or some useless crap. Then, one day, he was gone forever. Anonymous Nintendo experts could only speculate that Rob had later gone on to create Skynet, and later enslave all of mankind. Starting by teaching the children to read.      So, in conclusion, I'd say that of all the game guides in the world, this is definitely the one least shameful to read in public. Chock full of reviews, and re-previews and tips. Little pictures of little men. If you still own the crap this book covers, it could very well be your best friend. You should also be shot full in the face.

Then, kill all the Jews and homos for another 1000 points. Tyrant.

But only if you're a young woman, and enjoy being raped.

By Danny

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