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Mr. T vs Mr. CleanAn age old question that has eluded mankind for centuries. Who would win in a fight, Mr. T or Mr. Clean. Millions of Mr. T fans across the world would say that Mr. T would crush the foo who messed with Barbadus. While lonely housewives across the globe would say that Mr. Clean would ruin Mr. T quicker then a drunk uncle would ruin a family reunion. Well to me the two seemingly atomically equals would cancel each other out in fight... or would they. Here is how i invision a epic battle between "The Mighty Foo Crushing Hero" and the "Wonder from Down Under" (the sink that is).The sun is up and the wind is cold but this bothers neither of the fighters who have entered the empty arena. One is a tall, dark, and intimidating fellow with a mohawk. Gold chains are all across his body. The other is about the same size, with the same build. Only his hair cut is, well, none at all. He has no hair on his head and wears only a white shirt a jean pants. The two lock eyes, just then a bell tolls, and the fight begins... MC: Come on T let's get this over with, or i'll be late for my screening on the Donny and Marie Show. MT: You talking bout the Osmonds. I'm gonna do you a favor and kill you right here. MC: Hey, at least my last appearance on T.V. wasn't on Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers. MT: Just for that I'm gonna take you down crazier then Marcus MC: ALL RIGHT THEN! BRING IT ON!!!!!!!! With that the two combatants fly towards each other and begin to fight. Mr. T brings back his right hand looking to end the fight quickly like in Rocky III, but instead of making a brutal punch Mr. Clean brings his foot into Mr. T's face sending him backwards. Mr Clean wastes no time and continues his onslaught. He lands a few punches in before Mr. T gets his defenses up and begins to block. Mr. Clean jumps back from one of Mr. T's punches. MC: Feel the wrath of my cleaning powers! Mr. Clean starts powering up his Ray of Ultra Cleanliness. MT: What's this? Only a foo uses the hoodoo voodoo against Mr.T. And I pity the foo. With that Mr.T riotously kicks Mr. Clean in the gonads and then punches him in the face, sending him sprawling. MC: (blood coming from his nose and mouth) You will pay for that. Mr. T begins a barrage of attacks but Mr. Clean dodges and begins to fly around on a whirlwind of bubbles. MT: Hey moonkeys don't fly. And I'm not afraid of no moonkeys! MC: That made no sense. MT: No time for the jibba jabba, I've got to take you down! MC: SO LET'S GO!!! The mighty gladiators charge each other again. Mr. T preparing to do some pummeling, Mr. Clean pulling something out of his pants. As the two meet Mr. Clean pulls a bottle of soap detergent out of his pants and squirts it in Mr. T's eyes. MT: AH! AH! I've gone blind. Just like as if I'd drank turpentine. And that rhymes. But I've gained back my sight just in time. And now I'm gonna make Mr. Clean pay for his crimes. MC: But I haven't committed any crimes. MT: Doesn't matter. Still gonna beat so hard your baby's will be born bruised. MC: (in thought) Amazing, this man can't be killed! He is the most skilled opponent I have ever faced. MT: (in thought) No time for the jibba jabba. Got to be at ABC by noon. Offering me a part on Dharma and Greg. MT: I'm gonna break you two!!! MC: We'll See About That!!! Suddenly the Mr. Clean theme music starts to play and Mr. Clean is enveloped by yellow flames. MC: Feel the burn of my ULTRA FLAMING STERILIZATION ATTACK OF DOOM!!!!! MT: That's the gayest name I've heard since that kid named ButtSex. (A kid in the bleachers runs away crying and cursing his parents) MC: Well who cares. YOU DIE NOW BITCH!!!!! A beam of light 50 feet across bursts from Mr. Clean and swallows Mr. T whole. Knocking down and throwing him back. MC: Now to finish you off! MT: (silently) Uhh (cough blood) no choice, have to do it. Mr. T reaches for a poke'ball on one of his golden chains. MT: GARY COLEMAN I CHOOSE YOU!!!!!! MC: (in pure terror) No not an enraged Gary Coleman!!! Gary Coleman: Whatchu, whatchu talkinbout willis. MT: Quick Gary Coleman use your "Different Strokes" attack. Gary Coleman: Whatchu Whatchu! Suddenly the enraged Gary Coleman releases a series of punches and kicks against Mr. Clean. Each one too quick to be blocked by big Mr. Clean. The pummeling goes on until Mr. Clean is beaten to a bloody pulp. MC: I.... give up. MT: Good. So the lesson today kids is, ya'll better eat my cereal or I'll release a rabid Gary Coleman on your cracker asses. Ain't that right little man? Gary Coleman: Watchu talkinbout everybody! MT: (walking out of the arena shaking his head) I pity the foo who doesn't eat my cereal. So I guess we know who would win in a fight between Mr. T and Mr. Clean. That' right an enraged Gary Coleman. By Max
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 Danny's weekly video game column. Culture, history, gameplay, tech, and dick jokes. Funny, if you're a dorkmo. |
Puuba-Danny